Suprise...this post again.

The thing is, i'm struggling. Hard core struggling. This food addiction is consuming my life and I'm letting it. I've been working out like a crazy person, really enjoying the exercise and I DO see an improvement in my overall health. My BP is better. Food wise, though, I'm eating anything and everything and I'm out of control.

Daily I've wanted to post, to reach out and tell you all, those that are left, that i'm lost and i'm wandering, and I can't seem to find my way back to healthy eating. Intellectually, the answer is easy, less food more movement, good choices 85% of the time, and results will follow. If only it were that easy in practice.

Every day is a "new day." A "new start." Every day I think this is it, this is the day when I make better choices, when I stop eating junk, stop the emotional eating, stop the 3:30 trips to the M&M jar at work. These new starts are lucky to make it past lunch. The thing is, this healthy way of life, the weight loss process, is work and right now I feel so beat down, so deafeated, so helpless that I don't think I can do it. It's not laziness....like I said, I've been working out like crazy....I don't know what it is, but I have to find that motivation somewhere. I have to do this. It's getting scary. I want to enjoy my children, my friends, my clothes, my life. Instead I spend every waking moment thinking about how I hate the way I look and feel, punishing myself for my choices. It's a cycle that I can't seem to break. I'm tired.

Dropping in

Hi all! Just dropping in to check in and let you all know that i'm still here. As always, life has been crazy busy. We've had quite a shake-up at the office, and my boys are keeping me hopping at home. Weight loss wise, things remain "ok." I'm exercising regularly now, i'm definitely in a groove with getting up at 4:30 and going to the gym. I signed up for 5 sessions with the personal trainer, so that's going well. Not many pounds have dropped, but the trainer assures me that they will, I just need to keep the faith. Eating is another story.....food is a struggle for me and I'm realizing that it always will be. It's never going to be easy...but it just may get easier. The good news is that i'm not completely out of control, just not making the best choices.

The great news is that I really feel like i'm making strides with the mental aspect of this journey. I'm accepting myself, being more forgiving of myself, and I've stopped looking at this like every bad choice is going to break me nutritionally. I have a long way to go, a LONG way to go, but i'll get there.

Medically, things are a different story. The doctors just can't figure out my shoulder pain, so I have lots more tests to do. Hopefully there will be an answer. "You're just a medical mystery" is really not doing it for me.

Hope things are well with all of you. I've been a bad blogging buddy, but I WILL get back in the swing of things!

The numbers (week 3)

Days I strayed off of the WW plan: 0

Calories burned: 3865

Minutes of cardio: 345

Activity points earned: 40

Activity points used: 29 (oops, darn chinese food)

Extra points used: 0

# of days working out: 4

Pounds lost: 2!

In other news, today I have my very first ever appointment with a personal trainer! I'm excited (and a little nervous). No test results yet...it's driving me crazy!

Spacing issues?

So, is anyone else having spacing issues with Blogger? I can't get it to put spaces between paragraphs in posts and it's annoying! Have you dealt with this before? How do I fix it? Also, if it doesn't get resolved, i'm going to move my blog...any ideas for other blog sites?

The numbers (week 2)

• Days I strayed off of the WW plan: 0


• Activity points earned: 54


• Activity points used: 27


• Weekly bonus points used: 0


• Days I worked out: 6


• Calories burned: 5013


• Total cardio minutes: 447


• Pounds lost: 1.4

I'm scared.

Not about weight loss....ok, that's a lie, I am scared about weight loss, about not losing weight no matter how hard I try, and about losing weight and not finding happiness along the way. Today, though, I'm scared about my health. Yesterday was follow-up #2 with the orthopedist for my shoulder. It still hurts.....bad. I'm at the same level of pain I had before the surgery and I was really hoping yesterday would bring some answers. I did not like what I heard, however. The doctor said that there is "nothing structurally wrong" with my shoulder, and he thinks maybe there's an auto-immune issue going on, specifically mentioning thyroid and rheumatoid arthitis. He ordered some labs and I should know more next week. I'm terrified of what I might find out as a result of those tests, and I'm terrified that I won't find out anything and this pain won't go away. I'm also a little mad...or...a lot mad, at myself for letting my body get this way.

The numbers.

3063: The number of calories I burned last week.

4: The number of days I exercised.

295: The number of minutes I exercised.

0: The number of yoga classes I attended.

4: The number of pounds I lost :)

65: The longest I went on the elliptical (in minutes).

Thirteen gazillion trillion billion: the amount of pride I feel at my accomplishments this week.