Friend Makin' Mondays!

It's that time again, for Friend Makin' Monday!!  If any of you read Kenlie at www.alltheweigh.com, you know she's awesome and an inspiration. Every Monday she does FMM. Here's my version! If you feel so inclined, answer this weeks' questions and then link back up in the comments at Kenlie's blog!

Friend Makin’ Mondays

1. What is your favorite way to spend a Sunday afternoon?  In the summer, definitely a family swim. I love seeing my family happy, healthy, and active.  My 5 year old's belly laugh at his daddy's water antics is music to my ears.
2. What is your favorite color?  Purple.
3. Have you ever been to Europe?  Yes, twice.  Once I toured Italy with my Latin class in high scool.  After graduation, my mom took me to visit her college roomate who taught for the Army.  We did 6 countries in 18 days and it was amazing. Life changing.  I'd really love to go back with my husband.
4. Do you wear glasses or contacts?  Contacts.
5. How often do you brush your teeth?  Morning and night.
6. Share a guilty pleasure.  Survivor, Oprah Radio, and naps.
7. What are you most proud of accomplishing this week?  Speaking up for myself!  It's something I never do, but am working on.  Twice this week I took a deep breath and said what I wanted.  The first time, I got it.  The second, a friend said I was being moody.

Invisible

So, other than my obvious food addiction, I have to confess another one....are you ready?  Oprah radio.  I know, I know....I just can't get enough of it!  I really love the insight I get into myself and others from her Soul Series.  Recently, Oprah said something that really hit me hard.  "The worst thing you can do to someone is make them invisible."  She talked about how, at the heart of things, we all want to be seen, really seen, and validated.  Isn't that so true?

The question that brought me to, though, is that, if the worst thing you can do to someone is make them invisible, then why do I try to do that to myself every day?  There are a multitude of ways that I try to make myself invisible.  Like, every day I wear black.  Seriously, every day.  Even in the summer, when, in the armpit of Florida, it's often over 100.  Black.  It's WAY out of my comfort zone when I wear red shoes.  Not to say I don't love color, I do, but wearing color equals getting noticed.  I'm quiet and never speak my mind.  I never say "no" when asked to do something and I always go along with what others want.  Although in my occupation people are usually loud and confrontational, I'm not at all.  In fact, I probably have the one attorney job where you don't have to argue or even see anyone for days.  Thinking about it now, I never realized how much effort I put into not being seen.  The extra fat is probably just another layer I put between me and the world.

Why do I do that?  I suppose that is the million dollar question that I'm going to have to answer.  Part of it, I'm sure, is that I grew up in a house where you didn't want to anger anyone, for fear of what might happen.  I did a lot of walking on eggshells, and I suppose, in a way, I still am.  As sad as it is, when I do put myself out there and show someone who I really am, it never fails that I'm surprised that they like me.  To this day I'm shocked that my husband loves me.

The other day, I had a massage appointment and my therapist asked me if the temperature was ok.  Of course I replied that it was fine.  He looked at me and said, "Don't bullshit me, you're shivering.  This is a no bullshit zone."  I was floored.  "It's ok." is my standard response to any question about how I am, what I need, etc.  He told me not to be afraid to ask for what I want and to learn to "let some life in."  So, as scary as it is, that's what I'm going to do.  Ask for what I want. Put myself out there.  Allow myself to be seen.  This is so scary. 

This post was so hard to write.

Friend Makin' Monday!

So, in an effort to blog more about this journey and life itself, I'm going to take part in Friend Makin' Monday!! If any of you read Kenlie at www.alltheweigh.com, you know she's awesome and an inspiration. Every Monday she does FMM. Here's my version! If you feel so inclined, answer this weeks' questions and then link back up in the comments at Kenlie's blog!

Finish the Sentence I like…naps, snuggles, good books, and date nights with my husband.

I don’t like…negative people.

I am..in love with my best friend.

I love…my family, they are my biggest blessing.

I dream of…running the princess half marathon and KNOW that I will sob at the end out of pure joy.

I wonder…what the future holds.

I know…that life is beautiful and hard.

I went…to Wesleyan College, and it was one of the best decisions of my life.

I have...what it takes.

I think…that I am going to have to face some serious demons if I want to reach my goal weight.

I plan…to learn more about me.

I regret…how I've punished my body and used food as a drug.

I do…the best I can.

I drink…too much tea with splenda...but I am learning to like Dr. Oz's green tea weight loss drink.

I wish…for more time to do the things I love with the people that I love.

I am…worth it.

I am not…going to quit.

I need…to put myself first sometimes.

I hope…that I can keep growing and learning.

I want…to do things that scare me.

I sometimes…cry.

I always…try to be kind. I hope that when I am gone people will say, "The only hurt she caused was when she left us."

I can…do more than I think I can.

I cannot…even imagine all of life's possibilities.

I will…win.

2.5 pounds down!

Although I swore off the scale, I hopped on on Sunday to see what my first week "back" looked like. It looked like 2.5 pounds lost! Yay!! I even got up at 6:45...on a Sunday...when I could have been sleeping for a 3.5 mile walk! Yay me! Then, later, we all hopped in the pool for even more activity. At the end of the day, I was wiped, but a good wiped, you know? One thing I'm really struggling with is my addiction to diet unsweet tea from publix. That stuff is so good. And, although it's calorie free, it has a lot of splenda, I'm sure. I really need to break the tea cycle and get in more water, or at least less chemicals. I did try Dr. Oz's miracle weight loss drink, which is green tea with mint and tangerine. I really like it! Maybe this can be my diet sweet tea substitute? You think? The other thing i'm having issues with is lunch. I tend to eat out every day (SO BAD). What do you take for healthy lunch on the go? Keep making good choices!

My Goodness

Oh my, SO much has happened since my last post. It's crazy how fast life speeds by. Our biggest event? We moved! My family and I bought a new house and moved about a month ago, and it's been hectic, stressful, fast-paced, and fabulous. The best part? We have a pool now! I'm loving that every day after work/school/camp, the family eats dinner and then heads outside. Our evenings are spent together and ACTIVE, which is a far cry from the way it was before. It makes my heart happy (in more ways than one, I'm sure!) Weight loss has not happened lately. The good news? I maintained. The bad news? I didn't make myself a priority and i'm no closer to goal than I was last year. Yesterday, though, I logged back on to My Fitness Pal (Clee0805 if any of you are on there and want to buddy up!) and started logging calories. Yesterday was great, my cals came in at 1390. Today is looking to come in around 1399, so yay! As some of you know, i've been struggling with chronic shoulder pain for two years now. I've been to, literally, 16 different doctors searching for an answer. I even had two surgies. No relief. Lately, I've been seeing a massage therapist for the pain and he and I have gotten close. At our last appointment, he told me that i'm so wound up and anxious, that he feels like much of my pain comes from emotional stress. We also talked about weight and how that was also part of my problem. He told me that dealing with the emotional reason behind the weight was the first and most important step. Right then and there I burst into tears. He's right. I KNOW he's right. I just don't know how to do it. I feel very trapped. Any sage advice out there? In other news, my baby goes to kindergarten next month. Kindergarten!!! How did that happen?! It seems like it was just yesterday that we brought him home from the hospital, just under 6lbs of sweet baby squishiness. Now he's such a big boy. I'm so proud of him and the little man he has become, but part of me is so sad that we are out of the baby phase. I rarely get cuddles anymore :( So, that's my update!!

I've said it before, I'll say it again...

This is TOUGH. Somewhere along the line I lost my mojo and I cannot have yet to get it back. The last year and a half has been tough. There's been chronic shouulder pain with an undiagnosable cause, the death of my grandmother who I loved SO much, and various other work and home stresses. Instead of using taking care of myself as a de-stressor, I've let healthy living and eating become a source of stress. WHY? Do I do this? I FEEl better when I exercise. I'm happier when I exercise. I can handle things better when I exercise. Eating right does the same thing, yet I have been consistently choosing crap. Using food as a band-aid to cover up the hurt, stress, and fatigue is no longer an option. The good news? Today and yesterday I've been eating on plan and come in under my calorie "budget." I've also been walking in the mornings before work with a friend. On one hand, it's moving, on another, I know we're not working hard enough to make any real fitness advancements. We've decided to start the couch to 5k program together. Maybe that will help. So, i've said it before, I'll say it again. It's time to fake it until I make it! Baby steps!

Filipo Berio Olive Oil-Bzz Campaign and a Yummy Recipe

Hi all!  I have lots to say in another post about the way things are going, so look for that soon, but for THIS post, I wanted to tell you about Filipo Berio Olive Oil.  I'm a Bzz Agent through www.bzzagent.com, where I'm provided free samples of different things in exchange for sharing my feedback on the items.  I'm participating in the olive oil campaign, and I love it.  The oil is rich and yummy and is proving to be a great substitute for butter.  In my efforts to eat healthier, I'm trying to sub it in for butter in most recipes.  I'm also trying to move toward a more heart healthy "Mediterranean diet" with fruits, leafy greens, legumes, fish, and olive oil!  If any of you are looking for a good olive oil, give Filipo Berio a try :)

Now, here is one of my FAVORITE olive oil recipes.  This stuff is super yummy, my husband requests it for dinner weekly and it's hearty enough to be a light entree.  Here's one of my favorite recipes lately, Ina Garten's Green Panzanella.  It's awesome stuff, I promise!  I do not use all of the dressing on mine, but you certainly could.  I also use a sourdough loaf of bread, or whole grain if i'm being super good, but I do find that the whole grain is a little too sweet for this recipe.  This is a super recipe to take to potlucks, I just take the bread and dressing separately and mix before serving.  If only I remembered to take a picture of the final product!

Ingredients

• 3 tablespoons good olive oil
• 1 small French bread or boule, cut into 1-inch cubes (6 cups)
• 1 teaspoon kosher salt
• 2 large, ripe tomatoes, cut into 1-inch cubes
• 1 hothouse cucumber, unpeeled, seeded, and sliced 1/2-inch thick
• 1 red bell pepper, seeded and cut into 1-inch cubes
• 1 yellow bell pepper, seeded and cut into 1-inch cubes
• 1/2 red onion, cut in 1/2 and thinly sliced
• 20 large basil leaves, coarsely chopped
• 3 tablespoons capers, drained

For the vinaigrette:

• 1 teaspoon finely minced garlic
• 1/2 teaspoon Dijon mustard
• 3 tablespoons Champagne vinegar
• 1/2 cup good olive oil
• 1/2 teaspoon kosher salt
• 1/4 teaspoon freshly ground black pepper

Directions

Heat the oil in a large saute pan. Add the bread and salt; cook over low to medium heat, tossing frequently, for 10 minutes, or until nicely browned. Add more oil as needed.

For the vinaigrette, whisk all the ingredients together.
In a large bowl, mix the tomatoes, cucumber, red pepper, yellow pepper, red onion, basil, and capers. Add the bread cubes and toss with the vinaigrette. Season liberally with salt and pepper. Serve, or allow the salad to sit for about half an hour for the flavors to blend.