Struggling.

What can I say?  I'm struggling.  Hard.  I'm completely out of control and I don't know what or how to get back into control.  I KNOW what to do to lose weight, it's the doing it that I can't seem to handle.  It sounds weak and sad to type, but it's the truth right now.

Write and Release

Drazil over at "It's just Me, Drazil, and Sheniqua" is one of my favorite bloggers.  She's probably one the of the bravest bloggers I read.  She faces her issues head on and she's kind enough to share her journey with us. She's really inspiring, if you don't read her, check her out!  Today she did a "write and release" post where she wrote her fears and anxieties as away to release them.  Seeing as I'm dealing with a mountain of fears and anxieties right now, I'm stealing her idea.....

The following things, in no particular order, are turning my world upside down.  I find myself constantly fighting back tears or the urge to scream and just rail on the world....so I'm writing and releasing instead.

My baby starts kindergarten in two weeks.  My baby.  I'm so nervous and anxious for him.  I hope he gets a good teacher, makes friends easily, and does not have a tough transition.  His older brother's change to K was less than ideal, and by that I mean that he cried every. single. morning. for 4 months.  I had to walk away every morning while he screamed for me.  Therefore, I cried every. single. morning. for 4 months.  Oh, how I wish I could put my kids in a bubble and protect them from the world.

My husband is going through a tough time at work.  He's frustrated and stressed and scared and I don't know one thing to do about it.  Every day he just looks more deflated and I can't stop it.  If I could, I'd put him in a bubble too.

This weight loss thing isn't going well.  It isn't going poorly, either, the problem is that it isn't going at all.  What if I am fat forever?  It is so frustrating to KNOW the answer.  Eat less, move more...it sounds so simple on paper, but I can't seem to put it into practice.

I'm so scared that the doctors will never figure out what's wrong with me.  What started with minor shoulder pain 2 years ago is now pain all over my body.  I feel like a crazy person.  Test after test shows nothing is wrong, but something IS wrong.  Two years and 16 doctors and all I know is that I hurt.  What if there isn't an answer?  What if it keeps getting worse?

Finances are tougher than usual.  We are blessed beyond belief because we just bought the house of our dreams, but now money is tight, at least for awhile.  Of course the pool pump shorted and my husband's car needs work, I need work clothes, it's back to school time, and our appliances are on their last legs...All of that added in with the fact that I do not handle money issues well, it makes me think of growing up and my parents fighting over money.  Just thinking about it makes my heart race.

My grandmother's death has done a number on  my family.  My grandfather is sad and lost and clinging to my mom and my mom is feeling smothered.  I have tremendous guilt about not being able to be with them more.  Some days it hits me so hard that she's really gone and I literally double over.  I miss her.

Work is not stellar.  I like my job and I love my friends here, but I feel like it's time to move on.  Waking up one day and realizing I never tried anything else would be a big mistake.  The problem is, my job now is very mommy friendly and I work in a field that is not at all mommy friendly.  Everyone that I know that has left here either came back, or desperately wants to.  I'd love to find a job that I adore, that challenges me in new ways, but that also allows me to go to the school play or on a field trip now and again.  I feel constantly torn between the professional me and the personal me.  Of course family wins, every time, it always will...but there has to be a better balance.


Phew... There they are, the major sources of stress.  Hopefully the write and release will help.