Checking in!

Surprise!! This is a checking in post with GOOD news! I'm **finally** on track with both eating and exercise. I'm down close to 8 pounds and feeling better about things :) Yay! Right now, i'm just restricting calories and moving more. I've been using www.myfitnesspal.com to track my calories and it gives me 1400 calories per day, if I don't exercise. It seems like so little, and I'm hungry, but it does motivate me to exercise so I can eat a little more.

Although I haven't been commenting too much, I've been reading blogs like crazy and everyone is SO inspiring. You guys are all doing so well. Those of you that are struggling are so inspirational to me, too, because you have such strength of spirit. That's what it's all about!

For workouts, I'v begun a half marathon training schedule. It's a little crazy, but for the first time in my adult life, I RAN a whole mile. A whole mile! I'm up to a mile and a half now. It's a painfully slow pace, but i'm proud of myself nonetheless. I had a little setback in that my pedometer was telling me that I'd run farther than I had, so I THOUGHT i'd done better. I THOUGHT I'd run a 12 minute mile and already run 2 miles without stopping, but that's not the case. When I realized my pedometer was off, I ran last night and tracked it on mapmyrun.com, and, turns out I've been running under 2 miles and between a 13-15 minute mile. At first, I was so bummed out. Honestly, I thought about quitting the training program because I'm too fat and too slow at this point. But, quitting is not an option! I know that's a crappy pace, but you know what? I'm ok with that. I'm still making progress. When I started, I could run 2 minutes before stopping...now..I can run 22 minutes without stopping. Progress! Maybe I won't make next year's Disney Princess Half Marathon...maybe I'll have to run a later one, but that's ok. I'll run one.

So, what's new with all of you? I'm curious as to how many calories you shoot for a day, for those of you restricting calories? Each calculator I use gives me a different value!

Finally.

Finally, I finally feel like I can post something. For a long time I was just limping along and finding no success. I didn't even feel like I had the energy to "start over" for the millionth time. But, I've mustered up the courage, taken a deep breath, and jumped back into it. Even lost a couple of pounds last week. Yay!


So, I'm back into the swing of things and wanted to share it with you. Part of this process for me is blogging, so expect more posts. I've certainly been keeping up with all of your posts and cheering your successes.

Want to hear another secret? I committed to doing a half-marathon with a friend in February. I know how crazy this sounds, but, it gives me a goal to work toward. Even if I don't end up running the whole thing, completing it will be HUGE for me. My first practice run went well, better than expected!!!!

More later, but just wanted to tell you all that I'm Back!

When you judge yourself, you break your own heart."

Read this today and it really hit home with me. I had to share it with you guys :)

Deep Breath

Thank you. Thank you to those of you who've commented on my last few posts and those that have sent emails in support. I cannot even begin to tell you what your words mean. Right now, I'm in a dark place with myself. I'm frustrated and angry and sad and out of control and miserable with how I look and feel and it feels pretty hopeless.

So, in an effort to find that motivation that I lack, I want to list things that I want out of this journey:

1. I want to be healthier, with lower BP, ankles that don't swell, and more energy to play with my boys.

2. Prettier clothes that fit right and that I use to accentuate the good parts of my body rather than being happy to find clothes that fit and hide my body.

3. Freedom from food addiction. In my house growing up, food was love. I have to break that mindset.

4. I want to be able to go past a mirror without averting my eyes. Now, I avoid mirrors at all costs. I want to be able to enter a room without immediately looking around to figure out if I'm the fattest person there. I want to be able to go to the beach without panicking over being in a swim suit in public.

5. I want to stop identifying myself by the number on the scale or the size on the tag. I want to see myself as something other than fat.

So, here are some goals. Just for the week, the week starting now:

1. Work out 4x this week. No excuses.
2. Stay within 1800 calories per day.
3. Track my food intake every day.
4. Drink 8 glasses of water a day.
5. Take measurements and then put the scale away. No obsessive weighing.

So, that's it, pretty reasonable, huh? I can do this. One day at a time.

Suprise...this post again.

The thing is, i'm struggling. Hard core struggling. This food addiction is consuming my life and I'm letting it. I've been working out like a crazy person, really enjoying the exercise and I DO see an improvement in my overall health. My BP is better. Food wise, though, I'm eating anything and everything and I'm out of control.

Daily I've wanted to post, to reach out and tell you all, those that are left, that i'm lost and i'm wandering, and I can't seem to find my way back to healthy eating. Intellectually, the answer is easy, less food more movement, good choices 85% of the time, and results will follow. If only it were that easy in practice.

Every day is a "new day." A "new start." Every day I think this is it, this is the day when I make better choices, when I stop eating junk, stop the emotional eating, stop the 3:30 trips to the M&M jar at work. These new starts are lucky to make it past lunch. The thing is, this healthy way of life, the weight loss process, is work and right now I feel so beat down, so deafeated, so helpless that I don't think I can do it. It's not laziness....like I said, I've been working out like crazy....I don't know what it is, but I have to find that motivation somewhere. I have to do this. It's getting scary. I want to enjoy my children, my friends, my clothes, my life. Instead I spend every waking moment thinking about how I hate the way I look and feel, punishing myself for my choices. It's a cycle that I can't seem to break. I'm tired.

Dropping in

Hi all! Just dropping in to check in and let you all know that i'm still here. As always, life has been crazy busy. We've had quite a shake-up at the office, and my boys are keeping me hopping at home. Weight loss wise, things remain "ok." I'm exercising regularly now, i'm definitely in a groove with getting up at 4:30 and going to the gym. I signed up for 5 sessions with the personal trainer, so that's going well. Not many pounds have dropped, but the trainer assures me that they will, I just need to keep the faith. Eating is another story.....food is a struggle for me and I'm realizing that it always will be. It's never going to be easy...but it just may get easier. The good news is that i'm not completely out of control, just not making the best choices.

The great news is that I really feel like i'm making strides with the mental aspect of this journey. I'm accepting myself, being more forgiving of myself, and I've stopped looking at this like every bad choice is going to break me nutritionally. I have a long way to go, a LONG way to go, but i'll get there.

Medically, things are a different story. The doctors just can't figure out my shoulder pain, so I have lots more tests to do. Hopefully there will be an answer. "You're just a medical mystery" is really not doing it for me.

Hope things are well with all of you. I've been a bad blogging buddy, but I WILL get back in the swing of things!

The numbers (week 3)

Days I strayed off of the WW plan: 0

Calories burned: 3865

Minutes of cardio: 345

Activity points earned: 40

Activity points used: 29 (oops, darn chinese food)

Extra points used: 0

# of days working out: 4

Pounds lost: 2!

In other news, today I have my very first ever appointment with a personal trainer! I'm excited (and a little nervous). No test results yet...it's driving me crazy!

Spacing issues?

So, is anyone else having spacing issues with Blogger? I can't get it to put spaces between paragraphs in posts and it's annoying! Have you dealt with this before? How do I fix it? Also, if it doesn't get resolved, i'm going to move my blog...any ideas for other blog sites?

The numbers (week 2)

• Days I strayed off of the WW plan: 0


• Activity points earned: 54


• Activity points used: 27


• Weekly bonus points used: 0


• Days I worked out: 6


• Calories burned: 5013


• Total cardio minutes: 447


• Pounds lost: 1.4

I'm scared.

Not about weight loss....ok, that's a lie, I am scared about weight loss, about not losing weight no matter how hard I try, and about losing weight and not finding happiness along the way. Today, though, I'm scared about my health. Yesterday was follow-up #2 with the orthopedist for my shoulder. It still hurts.....bad. I'm at the same level of pain I had before the surgery and I was really hoping yesterday would bring some answers. I did not like what I heard, however. The doctor said that there is "nothing structurally wrong" with my shoulder, and he thinks maybe there's an auto-immune issue going on, specifically mentioning thyroid and rheumatoid arthitis. He ordered some labs and I should know more next week. I'm terrified of what I might find out as a result of those tests, and I'm terrified that I won't find out anything and this pain won't go away. I'm also a little mad...or...a lot mad, at myself for letting my body get this way.

The numbers.

3063: The number of calories I burned last week.

4: The number of days I exercised.

295: The number of minutes I exercised.

0: The number of yoga classes I attended.

4: The number of pounds I lost :)

65: The longest I went on the elliptical (in minutes).

Thirteen gazillion trillion billion: the amount of pride I feel at my accomplishments this week.

Yoga?

So, I'm going to do it. I'm going to be brave and go to yoga tonight. For some reason, the thought terrifies me. Anyone into yoga? Tell me I won't look like a fool!

Thoughts and musings...

As it always is when I refocus on my weight loss efforts, this journey has been all consuming lately. Why is it that I can be chugging along doing quite well on the journey and then the bottom drops out from under me? This time, it dropped out for over six months, and I am working hard to get it back. Recently, I've become friends with a mother of one of my son's classmates at preschool. She's really fun to be around. She's also tiny and cute. On our first play date (er, I mean our boys' first play date) the kids played and we had coffee at her house. She told me that she was once over 200lbs. I was floored. She said she took it off over the course of 5 years by cutting one thing out at a time. That concept sounded painfully slow and impossible to me. The next time we hung out was at our monthly bunco game. It was one of the girls' birthdays and we had pie. Of course I ate a piece and then immediately commented that I would have to stay at the gym much longer after all those calories. My new friend looked at me and very seriously said, "You need to relax, go easy on yourself. Stop punishing yourself." Then she invited me to yoga. Right then at that moment a light came on. I do punish myself, daily. I punish myself for the way I look, what I eat, what I say, it's all about punishment. It shouldn't be. This whole journey is about getting healthier and should be a positive experience, because, after all, we're all working toward a positive, healthier place. So, this week, although with trying WW, I've been working on the mental part of this journey. I'm consciously working on NOT avoiding mirrors and talking ugly to myself, on loving myself and my body for what it is and what it can be one day. I'm coming to love my workouts and to appreciate what my body can do instead of dwelling on what it can't. As far as yoga is concerned, I really want to try it and have wanted to try it for awhile. I am going to wait, however, until next week when I see the shoulder doctor and make sure he'll clear it. The last thing I need is another injury. Happy thoughts!

Well....I did it.

I joined Weight Watchers. Ok, not really joined, but I'm taking advantage of the free week online to see if I like it any more than I did the last time I tried it. Although I've gotten into a serious exercising groove (1 hour on the elliptical 4-5 times per week), my eating has been out of control again. Geez, I really do feel like if I can ever get this food thing in line when the exercise thing is in line, i'll be unstoppable! I need to get it in line soon, because my fat pants are tight, NOT a good feeling. In other news, i'm STILL having shoulder pain. This HAS to stop, it's getting in the way of living, which is unacceptable. My followup #2 is next week, and I'm praying for an answer, or at least some action toward finding an answer. "Let's wait 6-8 weeks and see where you are then" is no longer an acceptable response. Hopefully I'll effectively advocate for myself at the appointment, I'm not usually very good at that.

Want to be on the blogroll?

Hey all! Another quick one, but, in an effort to jump back into this weight loss blogging thing feet first, I want to revamp the blog a little bit. I removed blogs from my blog roll that haven't had a post in awhile and, now it's looking pretty slim. So, two things. First, would those of you left that still read please let me know what YOUR favorite blogs are? I need some new reading material and inspiration! They don't have to be weight loss related! Also, if you want your blog to be on the blogroll, and it's not, let me know!

Happy Friday!

I forgive myself.

So, this one is quick, but I need to fess up that I did not go to the gym this morning. My body hurt, I was tired, and I had been up all night with a little guy that needed extra mommy snuggles. So...I didn't go, I allowed myself an extra hour and a half of sleep. But.....are you ready for some big news?? It's ok. I forgive myself this stumble. I refuse to dwell on it, punish myself, or harp on it.

This may not seem groundbreaking...but for me it is. I.FORGIVE.MYSELF.

I'm working on a post right now with some ideas that I really want to share with you, but i'm still marinating on them. More to come...

Wow, 5am is early....

It is, seriously. It's dark and quiet and early. Did I mention it's early? The reason I know that it's early is that I've been out of bed every day this week to exercise at 5am! Yay me! This past Saturday I took my oldest to a birthday party and met another mother who just happens to live 4 houses down from me and wants to run/walk in the morning! We've been meeting at 5:30 and doing the couch to 5k program together. She left to go out of town and I decided to keep up the early workouts and hit the gym. This morning I did 45 minutes on the elliptical!! I really am super proud of myself for doing it. Every morning I've had to talk myself into it, but I've done it and that's what matters! So far this week I've burned 1700 calories. Now, I have gained 1.5lbs this week, which I do not understand at all, but I'm not focused on that...

Eating has been ok, not fabulous, but not bad. Every day gets a little bit better and those small changes will add up, I know they will. Calories have been between 1800-2000. Like I said, not great, but not horribly awful either. I'm incorporating more vegetables and lean proteins in our diet. We've had a lot of stir fries without oil, shrimp, and fish. I keep picturing that movie, "What About Bob?" and telling myself "baby steps to good health." Cheesy, but you do what you have to, right?

So, my question for all of you who workout early is, how long did it take you to get in the habit of getting up early and when did your body adjust? This schedule is killing me and by 2pm every day all I want is a nap. The boss is not so big on this idea though....

Hope all is well! Healthy, happy choices everyone!

Chug chug chuggin' along

That's me, chugging along! Having good day, having bad days....I've been getting up in the morning to run, which is awesome. I find it goes by so much faster, i'm in a MUCH better mood for the rest of the day, and it lifts so much stress. I also love it that the neighborhood is dark and quiet and I can think. Yesterday I went 2.5 miles, which is great!

Food hasn't been as easy. Like I said, good days and bad. Earlier I wanted to find a post I did near the beginning of this journey and couldn't. I was reminded, though, of how I started this, where my I found success and and where I didn't. It was a quick overview, but I really think that it would be a good idea for me to revisit earlier posts, and try to find my mojo again. So, that's the weekend plan, find the mojo. Really, this IS 99.999999% mental, right?

Hope everyone has a fantabulous weekend! We have SO much planned. Yay!

Yummy Salmon Recipe

Confession: Cooking fish scares me. It just seems so delicate and so easy to over/undercook. I'm also not a fan of "fishy" fish. So, most of the time, my family just doesn't eat it. Well, in an effort to make another step in the healthy direction, I've vowed to cook more healthy fish recipes. I came across Gail Simmons' Honey Glazed Salmon recipe and decided to try it. I'm SO glad that I did!!! Even though salmon is one of those fish that I only like if prepared exactly right, I deecided to be brave. If you decide to try it, don't leave out the quick pickled cucumbers, they seriously make the dish. SOOOO yummy! Here's the recipe, enjoy:

PICKLED CUCUMBER:
1 hothouse English cucumber, sliced
1 cup rice wine vinegar (can also use white vinegar or red wine vinegar)
1/2 cup sugar
Pinch of kosher salt
1/2 medium red chili, thinly sliced into circles

FOR SALMON:
4 6-ounce salmon filets, boneless, skin on
2 tablespoons vegetable oil
2 teaspoons kosher salt
10-12 turns freshly ground black pepper
2 tablespoons toasted sesame seeds
4 cups cooked brown rice
1 cup low-sodium soy sauce
1/4 cup honey
1 teaspoon grated fresh ginger
1 clove of garlic, peeled and minced

FOR PICKLED CUCUMBER: Begin by making the pickled salad so it can sit while you prepare the salmon. In a mixing bowl combine rice wine vinegar, sugar and salt. Mix well then fold in sliced cucumber and sliced chili. Cover with plastic wrap and set aside in the fridge.

FOR SALMON: In a small saucepan add soy sauce, honey, ginger and garlic. Set over medium-high heat and bring to a simmer. Reduce heat and simmer for 10 minutes. Set aside.
3. Take a large, oven-proof, non-stick sauté pan and set over high heat (use two pans if needed). Rub filets all over lightly with vegetable oil. Season both sides with salt and pepper. Once pan is very hot place the filets skin-side down and press down gently with a spatula so the skin remains flat to the pan. Cook for about 6 minutes then liberally glaze the top side of the filets - you want to have some glaze swirling in the bottom of the pan too as this will caramelize with the crispy skin. Turn off heat and flip salmon so skin side is now on top. Allow to rest in pan for 3 more minutes until cooked through.

Place salmon filets on top of a cup of brown rice, skin-side up. Drizzle a little more glaze from the pan on and around the plate. Top with a little pickled cucumber salad and sprinkle with toasted sesame seeds.

Gettin' Right

So, here I am yet again. For the past week or so, I've kept starting a post and then deleting it all, mostly because I don't know where to begin, so I suppose I'll just jump in the middle of things. Things are starting to get where they need to be eating wise. The last four days have been better (as opposed to good). I'm finding some really yummy healthy new recipes that I can't wait to share with you all! If there are any of you left! I want to get back into the blogging world again, I really miss it, and all of you!


My recovery from shoulder surgery has been a struggle, as I'm still in about the same amount of pain as before surgery. I've also developed some hip pain on the opposite side, I swear it feels like I'm falling apart! I'm too young for this. It's been a good kick in the butt for me, though, as I KNOW I wouldn't be in this much trouble if I'd lost the weight I need to lose. The good news is, I'm turning it into a motivation. I went running the other day for the first time in a LOONNNGG time. Now I've made it through the first week of the C25k program. It was rough and I've certainly lost all of the progress I'd made, but it really feels so good to be MOVING again. Of course, because of the hip I can barely move afterwards, but I'm taking baby steps. this morning I even got up at 5:30 to run, which is a HUGE thing for me. I can't deny that I feel so much better, so much HAPPIER when I'm exercising.

The thing that I know I need to work on the most is my mindset. I need to get right mentally and stop letting my weight and my disappointment in myself be the focus of my life. For awhile when I was on a roll last year, I was really in a good spot. The thing that changed it all? Going off of that water pill and seeing a gain on the scale. Even though I KNEW it wasn't a "gain" I let the scale dictate everything and lead to another weight loss downfall. So, this time, I'm going to focus a lot of energy on getting right not only with eating and exercising, but also with my outlook.

So, that's where I am! I hope all of you are experiencing great successes, with weight loss and otherwise!

Very quick check in

Yesterday was good! I ended with my calories around 1700, which is a little higher than I want to average, but MUCH better than the past few weeks. Yay! More to say, I'll post later!

Self Destruction

"When you have children, you lose the right to self destruct." -Oprah

That is EXACTLY what I've been doing, self destructing. The pressure around our house these last months has been immense between my shoulder surgery, DH's heart scare, and job issues. Instead of dealing with the stress in a healthy way, I ate. A lot. Of Everything. Unless it was green, or good for you, then I didn't. Ok, that's a little extreme. I did have some vegetables and fruit, but, mainly, I made some horrid food choices. I also failed to move my body in any meaningful way. The scale is reflecting it.

More important than the scale, though, is how it's affecting my life. I have no energy, I'm unhappy, I feel generally bad, my clothes don't fit, my skin feels icky. I feel icky. Lately, I've even found myself not wanting to play with the kids, just wanting to lay around. That's not acceptable. At all. I have no other choice but to start again. Make good food choices, MOVE, get in my water, get healthy. After all, it's only failure if I quit, right? I've lost the right to self destruct.

Exercise is a little trickier than normal, because, unfortunately, the shoulder is in the same shape that it was pre-surgery. But, I can walk. I'm going to get back to walk/jogging tonight and I have to promise myself and you guys, right here and now, that I will not let it get to me when it hits me how badly I've let myself go, when I can't walk as far or jog as long. One foot in front of the other, that's all it takes.

For my blogging buddies, I've been keeping up with you! I'm SO proud of all your successes!

Thank you.

Thank you, Jen, for checking on me. I'm here. I'm reading all your blogs and keeping up with everyone's great progress.

As for me, I'm in a dark place and I can't seem to find the way out. It's all so overwhelming. My shoulder does not appear to have been successful, my husband is having a heart related scare, and I cannot get my eating under control. I've resisted posting because I'm so sick of typing it and I'm sure you're sick of reading it.