Here we go again.

Yay! Two posts in a week, maybe I'm getting back into business. Updating the blog today has been devastating. Looking at all the progress that I've undone over the past few months is really disheartening. The only thing to do, though, is to move forward. The question that is plaguing me right now is, how? Part of me says, look how far you got counting calories, just go back to the way that works! Another part of me think that I should try weight watchers again. I'm intrigued by the new plan and I think a change may give me that extra motivation that I need. Weight watchers has not been a took that led me to success in the past, though. What do you all think? How do you all proceed in weight loss? Do you do WW? Count calories? Low carb? I HAVE to do this and I feel so defeated right now. Seriously, I could just cry at what I've done to myself...again.

On the surgery front, it went well. I didn't need near as much repair as we thought going on. Turns out I had a bone spur that was shredding a tendon instead of a tear. The pain is still pretty bad, but just as soon as I get clearance I'm going to start exercising. Pam, I'm still planning on that half-marathon in November....are you?

How are you all doing? I don't think there's many of you left out there! For those that are still there, thank you so much for hanging in there with me! I promise to be a better blogging buddy. I have been keeping up with you all, just not commenting. Lastly, does anyone know what happened to Lisa from No More Diet Drama? I know she had several blogs but the last one has disappeared and I miss her!

It's me, the broken record.

Well, hi there :) I'm so sorry about my long absence! Thanks to those that sent emails checking on me. Several times in recent weeks I've started to blog, but I haven't had much to say, and it's so embarrassing to check in and tell you all about failure. Things are crazy, the weight is piling on, and I'm out of control. The holidays are never an easy time, but, in all honesty, I've used them as an excuse to eat whatever I want.

Tomorrow (or later today, really) is my shoulder surgery. I'm super anxious to get it over with and get healing. It will be so nice not to be in pain every day. With the surgery, though, comes a little less control over food. I did stock my kitchen with healthy choices and plan on getting a walking routine together as soon as possible.

Although I'm a broken record, I have to say it. I WILL get it back together. There's no other choice.

Teeter Totter

This is me, I'm on a weight loss teeter totter and I can't seem to get off. Somehow I continue to exist in that no man's land, where I'm not completely and totally out of control, but i'm certainly not IN control either. I. HAVE. TO. GET. IT. TOGETHER. All the way together. Not mostly together with a side of cake and french fries. Together.

It's confession time. Confessions are good for the soul, right? I hope so! So, here we go. In all honesty, I'm typing this post after I visited our company bake sale and consumed 3 coconut cookies.....and bought raffle tickets for a cake. Yeah....I have no excuses, they were just bad choices, tasty bad choices, but bad choices nonetheless. Also, last night was the first night in a week that I've cooked. We've had a lot of takeout and sandwiches. I do have a slight excuse for this. My shoulder is still killing me with no relief in sight. Some nights I just don't have it in me. The truth is, though, that some nights I do and I just haven't done it. So, in case I haven't mentioned it before, I have to get it together.

I've really noticed an interesting trend here with my out-of-controlness (haha, like that new word?). When i'm really in control eating-wise, I do better in all other aspects too. I'm better at housekeeping, exercising, working, parenting, etc. Looking around right now, I feel very overwhelmed at all that needs to be done. My house needs cleaning, body needs thinning, documents need writing, clothes need washing, grass needs cutting, etc, etc, etc. When I start to feel overwhelmed like this, I tend to shut down because I don't know where to start. I need to start. I have to get it together. Now.

The Bzzz: Tom's Wicked Fresh! Toothpaste Review

Hey all! So, things are pretty good one the weight loss front. I'm getting back into the groove, but slowly. I'm going to try really hard to post more and keep you all more up to date on the situation. I also want to expand the blog to talk about other topics. After all, there is life outside of weight loss, right?

That being said, here's a product review! I'm a Bzz agent through http://www.bzz.com/, which is a word of mouth program. Basically, I get to try samples of products in exchange for spreading the word about them. It's pretty cool. Right now I'm trying Tom's Wicked Fresh! toothpaste. This stuff rocks! Although I usually don't get overly excited about toothpaste, this is good stuff. It really leaves your mouth feeling clean for hours and, the best part is, it's all natural. I'm going to try to pick up the mouthwash too and the children's version for the kiddies.

Fakin' it until I make it..and update

Phew...I've been gone awhile, and the scale shows it! I'm up...yikes...7 pounds! Needless to say, weighing was not a fabulous experience. So, I absolutely, positively, HAVE to get back on track. No ifs, ands, or buts. It is going to be hard, no doubt, but I've done it before and I can do it again. I know how to do this, I do. So, one meal at a time, one bite at a time, I'm going to do it.

Right now I feel panicky and out of control, but I'll fake it until I make it! Truthfully, I HAVE been out of control. Confession: I ate not one fruit or vegetable yesterday. How sick is that?? That's ok, though. I won't beat myself up, I'll just put myself on the right track and keep on truckin'. This morning started off with a yummy spinach smoothie. I brought some high fiber cereal and grapes for a snack, a low cal lunch, and dinner will be Pam's YUMMY baked falafel. Sounds yummy and low cal. Back to tracking my calories on sparkpeople and posting here! I've missed all of you! (I hope there are some of you left reading this!)

In other news, I've been having shoulder pain for about 4 months. It's been getting increasingly worse, but I'm not a big fan of the doctor. Finally, I gave in and went and he sent me to physical therapy. Then it got a lot worse. So, I had an MRI last week and I'm waiting for the results. The doctor thinks I tore my rotator cuff, but I have NO idea how I would have done that. I can't remember an injury. Ibuprofen works during the day but at night, wow, it hurts. I see and orthopedic doc this week. Hopefully we'll get on the road to recovery soon.

Hope all is well in blogland.

I'm still here.

A hundred times I've started to write a post, but I don't have much to say. I'm still really struggling. Every day has been a "new start." Hopefully, today is the "new start" that sticks. That being said, I'm reading all of your blogs and cheering you all on!

Great Giveaway!

Hey all! Check out Jen's blog for a great giveaway!

http://jenslosinit.blogspot.com/2010/09/jay-robb-giveaway.html

Friend Makin' Mondays!!!

Hi all! I'm back! Seriously, I am. This time, it's for real. Seriously...I mean it. I DO!

In order to hop right back into regular blogging, I thought I participate in Friend Makin' Mondays hosted by Kenz at All The Weigh. Check her out if you haven't already! This is my first FMM. If you'd like to participate, copy and paste the quetions below in your own post and then go to Kenz's blog and link up :) Here go the questions:

Health and Body Image

1) If you could magically change one thing about your body, what would it be? My weight? Ha! Is that too obvious? If I had to pick one feature, I'd say my arms. I'd love to feel comfortable wearing tank tops and cute sleeveless dresses, but I just don't.

2) What is your best physical feature? How sad is it that my first reaction to this was that I don't have one. I'm working on that whole loving yourself issue. I do think I have pretty eyes, though, so we'll go with that.

3) Do you weigh yourself daily? Hourly? Weekly? Bi-weekly? Never? Daily, usually multiple times. It's not a healthy habit.

4) Do you workout regularly? If so, how does if affect you from day to day? In all honesty, I go through cycles where I'm really "into" working out and I do it a lot. Then, the excitement wanes and I don't work out at all. I'm still in slug mode as I type this. The thing is I feel SO much better when i'm exercising.

6) If you could look like a celebrity, who would you choose to look like? This is a hard one. Probably Anne Hathaway, I think she's classically beautiful.

7) What do you do to make yourself feel pretty/handsome? I usually feel great every time I get my hair done. Also, there are those one or two outfits that I have that make me feel fabulous.

8) What are you most attracted to in the opposite sex? Smarts and a sense of humor are a must.

9) Have you ever avoided situations because you didn't want people to see your body shape? More times than I can count. I've missed many a pool party, beach trip, concert, etc. because I didn't want to be seen. Lately, though, I've been making an effort at just taking a deep breath and going places anyway, and I'm learning that we all have our hangups, no matter what our size.

10) How do you feel about your overall appearance? Not super. As I lose weight I feel better, but I have the very bad habit of looking at old pictures when I was skinnier and realizing how cute I looked. I never realize it in the moment. Just like Kenz, I'm working on this one.

Ok blog buddies, your turn! Tag, you're it! Don't forget to go back to Kenz's blog and link up so we can all learn about you!

I'm still here and new recipes!

Hi blog friends!

I'm still here!! I haven't fallen off the face of the earth. Things are ok, I'm not totally in control, but also not totally out of control. I'm maintaining, and with the craziness that is my life right now, I'm ok with that. Even though I haven't commented much, I've been keeping up with all of you through your blogs.

Because my family is a little tired of what I cook all the time, I've been branching out and trying new recipes. Let me just say...YUM!!! First, I loved the show "Next Food Network Star," and I LOVE Aarti, I'm so glad she won! Her recipes really intrigue me, because I love Indian spices but I'm not always certain how to incorporate them into our daily dishes. So far, I've tried her massaged kale salad, bombay sloppy joes, and mango bbq pulled pork. Each of these dishes was DIVINE. Seriously. The kale salad was so light and yummy, a total surprise since I didn't expect to like it. The recipe is an added bonus because kale is SOOO good for you. The bombay sloppy joes were spicy, sweet, and totally tasty. The mango bbq pork, however, was the absolute best. My whole family loved it and ate it right up. If you have a chance, try out her recipes! Sorry there are no pictures, I'll do better!

Also, Tami over at Nutmeg Notebook posted a mexican chicken salad recipe that I had to try. Rave reviews at our house. I thought that I had made enough for dinner and lunches for a few days, but, alas, no leftovers! Seriously, this salad is GOOD!

Anyone out there have any yummy new recipes to try?

Whirlwind

Life. It's been a whirlwind lately. It feels like absolutely everything is out of control. My oldest started Kindergarten and, although he loves it, there are growing pains. My youngest is having a very tough time that his brother is not at preschool with him. There have been a lot of tears. My husband is out of town, so a lot of this i've dealt with on my own.

Eating has not been perfect, still. One of the few things I can control and I'm NOT controlling it. Now, I'm not bingeing and eating everything in sight, but, I'm doing a lot of mindless eating. Tracking is a thing of the past, and I have not moved at all in months now, probably. My emotions are everywhere, and anxiety is running high. The good news is, the husband gets home tonight and I can carve out a little more me time. Running always makes me happier and I feel more in control, so I see a run in my future.

Right now this craziness is so overwhelming. There are so many things that I need to do that I'm just not doing anything. I've just plopped myself down in the middle of a storm and I'm watching it all go by.

So, it's time to set out some goals for the week: track every bite, starting today; run three times; set out some individual time with each child; go on a date with hubby. All of these things will make me feel better, and will be better for my family.

Just like that little engine....

I'm starting to regain some control! Yesterday was not perfect, it was bunco night and I let bunco "snacks" be dinner (and probably too much dinner at that), but my food choices were better. Slowly I'm starting to feel just like the little blue engine. I think I can do this, I think I can do this! I think I can, I think I can!

Thank you, sweet blog friends, for the comments and emails about my last post. It's amazing to me how kind and supportive people that I've never "met" can be. Your comments and emails were so very comforting! It helps to know that people understand what it's like to have such a disasterous relationship with food. All of your posts, your successes and your setbacks, inspire me!

We are all chugging away together on this weight loss journey and pretty soon we'll be saying, "I thought I could, I thought I could, I thought I could!"

In an out of control spiral

For the first time since I started this journey on February 2, 2009, I find myself in an out of control spiral, eating with reckless abandon. There is a vicious cycle that I've once again found myself in where I'm out of control, feel guilty, eat more, feel guilty, eat more, etc. I have to break the cycle again.

I really don't have much more to say than that, just wanted to be honest and get it out there.

Yumm....McChemicals!

So, in my search to find the end of the internet this morning, I came across this article on chicken nuggets. This is so gross, we feed these things to our children and sometimes ourselves! My kids LOVE McDonald's, Wendy's...really any place that they can get chicken nuggets. Recently I've taken a good hard look at what they eat, and I'm not pleased. I have to make a transition to offering better choices for my family, not just for me. It's horrifying to think what goes into the processed junk that my family loves. We're slowly transitioning into better choices. Grilled chicken instead of fried, whole wheat pasta instead of white, more veggies and fruits, less processed food. It's a journey, and we're going to make it.

The problem i'm facing is that my kids are SO PICKY. Really, my five year old is especially picky. There are few things he'll eat. I'm at a loss right now of what to send him for lunch because i'm running out of options. He doesn't like sandwiches, won't eat veggies and dip, doesn't like hummus. Really, he would live on turkey dogs, mac and cheese, and nuggets if I'd let him, which I won't.

So, bloggie buddies, any suggestions for good, healthy options for kids?

Derailed, but hopping back on track!

So, it's been awhile since I've posted anything meaningful, it's also been awhile since I've been on track.....

The good news is, yesterday was good and today is going well, things are looking up! Being off track diet and health wise is so tough. It makes me feel awful about myself but I have the hardest time picking myself up and moving forward. I think I'm finally back on track, though! Yay!

One of the most important things to me when I have these de-railed days (weeks...etc) is to figure out what pushed me off track and to look for those sorts of diversions in the future so I can plan ahead. Some of them are preventable altogether, and others I just have to have a game plan so that, when they pop up in my way, I can better deal with them.

There are a few things that I can put my finger on as causes for the latest derailment. First, although it seems too ridiculous to even type, I know that I really felt defeated when I "gained" after being taken off the diuretic for my blood pressure. My brain knew that this was a good thing, it meant I was healthier and doing better with less weight. It really took an emotional toll on me, though, to see the "gain" of water weight. That was the beginning of the downfall. Then, vacation. Ohhh, I'm so bad on vacations. I seem to lose all sense of control and come back heavier than I left. DH and I ate some really good food on our last vacation. The good news is, I was more in control than I usually am, the bad news is, I KNOW there were some moments where I lost control food-wise. (Georgetown cupcakes are amazing...just saying). I maintained, but didn't gain. In a way, that's a victory.

One of the biggest things that I think had led to my stumbling is that I'm having a tough time dealing with my oldest going to Kindergarten. I know, that seems so silly, doesn't it? He's growing up, becoming more independent, and about to embark on one of life's great adventures. As parents, our goal is to raise smart, independent, and confident children and send them off into the world. Kindergarten is part of that, in many ways the first step, and I know that. I know it's a good thing, but my heart breaks that my baby is old enough for this. While school brings so many wonderful things, I know there will also be disappointments and heartbreak, there always is.

Every instinct I have says to protect him and keep him close, but I have to let him grow up. It's hard. I can't help feeling a little sad. Also, my youngest is having a tough time knowing that his brother won't be with him at preschool anymore and is having adjustment issues there. It's so hard to see my babies unhappy. One of the best things that I can do for them, however, is to remain upbeat and positive about this next step in our lives, so I do. This means that I'm burying my emotions, though, and if there's one thing I'm good at, it's emotional eating.

Now, I just have to learn from these little stumbles and move forward, and I will. While I can't let the scale dictate my emotions, like I did with my water weight gain, I also know that I can't abandon the scale. Without it, I'm so much less accountable and I get a little too free with my eating. So, I am going to try weighing once a week. Yes...once a week. We'll see if my scale addiction can be broken! In terms of vacation, well....we don't have one coming for awhile, but, this one was better food-wise, far from perfect, but better. I'll have to plan for the next trip, plan my meals better and allow for some "treats" but not to go overboard. I also need to plan to exercise!

Emotional eating is, and probably always will be my biggest stumbling block on the journey to better health. I don't have any easy answers here, but I have had some success when I stop and ask myself WHY i'm eating something. If I can't identify true hunger, I put it down and walk away. This doesn't always work. In fact, twice lately I KNEW I wasn't hungry and KNEW that I was eating to fill a void or feel happier, but I did it anyway. At least I identified the problem...right? Baby steps!


So, I'm back. I promise to post more, read more blogs, comment more! I've missed my blogging buddies.

Ugh....

Just Ugh. I can't seem to make myself get back on track and the scale this morning was not at all nice to me. I'm working to get it together. Please don't give up on me :)

Miss me?

This is a quickie post. I am BACK from vacation. We had such a good time, took in lots of sites, saw some friends and family, and generally enjoyed each other's company. DH and I needed this time together.

The down side. I found some pounds. Not many, but some. Blech. Now, I have to get serious. I realize I've been saying this for awhile now, but seriously, It's time...now...seriously.

I promise more posts soon!!

Nothing good ever happens at a Chinese buffet.

Ugh. I hate these posts. I'm sure you hate reading these posts, but I have to get it out there. Feel free to skip it all together.

This weekend I logged into sparkpeople on my iphone and pressed the weight tab. Why did I do this??!?! What did I see? The weight entry from July 1....which happened to be the exact weight I saw on the scale on Saturday morning. A whole month. I've wasted a whole month by slacking off. Now, I haven't been eating terribly, but I haven't been eating great. I've also been a complete and total slug. One more month has passed that I'll never get back.

I wish this yucky post ended there, but it doesn't. Seeing that I "lost" a whole month on this journey really sent me into a tailspin. A tailspin right into bad choices. I even let myself get talked into a Chinese buffet last night! Nothing good ever happens at a Chinese buffet. I couldn't even tell you what I ate, not that you'd want to hear it anyway. For the last two days, I haven't even logged my food, something I've done consistently from February 2, the day I "restarted." I couldn't even weigh today because I just knew that the weight would be even higher. To make matters worse, I keep catching myself saying , hey, you're going on vacation anyway, just "restart" when you get back. If I do that, though, I'll gain tons of weight while we're gone and be even more discouraged when we return. So, that can't be an option.

So, that's out there....

In other news, we had an awesome weekend otherwise. Swimming, a movie with the kids, and a great dinner out with friends.

Epic #FAIL!

So, as you can probably tell, the whole "take picture of what you eat" thing was an epic fail. It worked for a day, but somehow I keep forgetting to take pictures. The good news is, I've been making much better choices these days. So, I'm going to report Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday Eatz:

Monday:

Breakfast: Banana and fiber one bar
Lunch: Kashi frozen meal (lemongrass coconut chicken), fresh pineapple and strawberries
Dinner: Greek pita with homemade baked falafel, tzatiki sauce, onions and peppers, spinach, and tomato and white acre peas
Snacks: coffee w/ creamer, dried fruit crisps, peach, mini size three musketeers, 100 calorie almond pack

**For those of you who aren't familiar with Pam's blog From Apples to Zucchini, check it out. Her recipes are AWESOME! WhenI made her baked falafel patty, my husband came in and said, "Courtney, I hate to tell you this, but someone threw up in the oven." I was pretty sure, then, that we were not going to have a successful dinner. He really prefers meat anyway, so I was unsure he'd like it to begin with, then, with that comment, I knew we were done for. Surprisingly, he LOVED them :) Yay, Pam!

Calorie total: 1397

Tuesday:

Breakfast: fresh peach, coffee w/ creamer, fiber one bar
Lunch: Turkey sandwich from Jimmy John's w/ cukes, hot peppers, mayo, sprouts, lettuce
Dinner: Broccoli slaw w/ light italian dressing and parmesean cheese, morningstar farm chick'n patty on a sandwich thin w/ ketchup, some pizza crust (oops)
Snacks: doughnut (office party, shouldn't have had it), dried fruit crisps, 100 calorie almond pack

Calories: 1639

Wednesday:

Breakfast: **this was at an office party...another one** fresh watermelon and berries, 1T hashbrown casserole, small serving of french toast casserole
Lunch: Salad w/ shrimp, roasted vegetables, balsamic dressing, pine nuts
Dinner: Ham and potato bake, broccoli slaw w/ light zesty italian dressing
Snack: Special K crackers w/ cheese

Total calories: 1491

So, all in all, not bad. Some bad choices, but I was within my calorie limit every day, so that's good. The frustrating thing? No weight loss this week. Zero. Nada. Nothing. I'm trying so hard not to get discouraged, but it's not working. Sorry for the epic fail on the picture taking :(

Sunday's Eatz!

Here goes the experiment of photographing what I eat every day. Already there were some slip ups, but that's ok :) I'm getting there. Sorry about the picture quality. This was with my phone camera. I need go get a better one.

For breakfast, I had one scrambled egg on a multi-grain sandwich thin with a slice of cheddar and 1T of brummel and brown.

Lunch was a sandwich thin with one morningstar farm Chik'n patty, 1T shredded cheese, 1T ketchup, corn salsa, and fresh pineapple.

Later, the boys and I made cookies. I did not eat the whole plate :) I did, however, eat one and some batter, so I counted two.

Dinner was SO yummy. I made greek chicken pitas with homemade tzatziki sauce, peppers and onions, spinach, and tomato. The pita was a joseph's pita, 60 cals, lots of fiber. It's yummy! I'm an addict! On the side, I had fresh pineapple and strawberries.

Calories for the day totaled 1490. Not pictured is a cup of coffee with half and half, a few of my kids' fries from McNasty, and a jello mousse cup. All were accounted for in the final total :)

Struggling

It's probably obvious from the lack of posts lately, but I'm struggling. For the first time in many weeks I had an all out binge. Stress was definitely the trigger. I'm working hard on getting it back together and I PROMISE to blog more often. It seems that I do so much better when I blog regularly.

I'm also seriously considering taking pictures of everything I eat for awhile. Maybe if I have to show you what i'm eating, I'll think about it before I chew it. Think it'll work?

How are all of YOU doing?

You know that's not normal, right?

First off, HI!!! *waving* I've not dropped off the face of the Earth, I've just been bogged down with..well..life, I guess. Work has been much more hectic than normal and my family has been on the go for the past few weeks. Thank you to everyone who wrote an email or left a comment wondering where I'd gone. You guys are awesome and make a girl feel good :) I apologize for being a bad blogging buddy. I've been reading all your blogs and keeping up, but not commenting much. This is my promise to do better!

Surprisingly enough, I haven't been too bad, eating wise, during my short hiatus. Fourth of July was rough, we had a cookout with some friends and I know that I went over my calorie limit. It's the FIRST day since February 2, though, that I didn't track my calories. I'm kicking myself for that. Other than the cookout, though, I've done pretty well. I think my fluid balance is FINALLY evened out after coming off that medicine.

A have an old "new" friend at work. She and I have always been pleasant, but lately we have gotten closer. We've gone to lunch several times and tend to chat a few times a day. One day last week she and I were having a conversation at work about weight loss. We are both plus sized women and, I think that gives me a little more freedom to discuss things with her in the weight/food arena. Is that odd? At any rate, I was telling her about the frustration of seeing a "gain" after coming off of a diuretic and how it was messing with my mind. She asked me how many times a day I weighed and was FLOORED when I replied that it was at least three. She doesn't own a scale. It really shocked her when I told her that, sometimes, if I don't like what I see on the scale at night, I'll try not to eat dinner or at least eat lighter so it will be a better number in the morning. That's when she said it. The question that really hit home with me.

"You know that's not normal, right?"

Well...yes, I guess intellectually, I *do* know that's not normal. The problem is, it's become *my* normal, and it's not healthy. Not at all. It's become so routine to me, though, that I can't imagine it any other way. This is why in Deb's Freedom Challenge, one of my goals is to weigh less often. I can't say I won't weigh every day, but hopefully not multiple times. I'm doing ok with this goal.

Another conversation that hit me hard recently was with my brother. He was in town for a short visit and we went to lunch together before he caught his plane back home. We were talking weight loss and such. He and I have never really discussed it much until recently. He works out all the time, is in the military, and has always been in pretty good shape. He's in medical school now and so we've been discussing healthy habits more often. I can't for the life of me remember what prompted him to say it, but he said, "I think you have a mild eating disorder." My initial gut reaction was denial, but about thirty seconds later, I thought...well, yeah, obviously!

I share these conversations with you because they are all part of my journey to get healthy, both physically and emotionally. "Knowing is half the battle," as GI Joe says. So, now I need to figure out what to do with this information about myself!

So, do any of you have any quirky weight loss habits?

Interesting Bean Chip Giveaway!

Check it out!

http://www.changeofpaceforme.com/2010/06/beanitos-giveaway.html

It's 99.9999% mental

This weight loss journey...it's 99.9999% mental. At least with me it is. My brain knows exactly what to do to get the weight, eat less, move more. Simple, right? No, not really. The mind games that I play with myself are taxing and exhausting, so why do I keep playing?

One of the big reasons that I want to get the weight off is better health. I'm on a lot of blood pressure medicine and I want OFF of it. Last week I had a doctor's appointment and I happened to mention that I was getting dizzy when I stand up. The appointment was over and I just offhandedly mentioned it. I need to learn not to do that. After a few blood pressure readings in various positions, the doctor determined that it was actually too low and that I was dehydrated. So, he took me off of one of the medicines! Yay, right?! He took me off of the diuretic. You'd think that this would make me happy, wouldn't you? It does, in the sense that it means my health is improving, but....

You see, now the scale is up. The scale is up almost 5 pounds! 5 pounds! Did you read that?? 5 pounds! Now, my head knows that this is water weight because i'm no longer getting rid of fluid because of the water pill. My head knows that I still have the same amount of fat loss as before he took me off the medicine. The problem is, this "gain" (you know, the one that's not really a gain) is really doing a number on my head game. I had almost reached a new mini-goal. Now i'm 5 pounds further away from it. The number on the scale feels like a kick to the stomach. The thing is, I can't let this derail me. I have to win the head games once and for all!

On a side note, I ran this weekend after weeks of being a slug! I went 2.5 miles, and it was fabulous. I've really missed the running time. However, if your doctor tells you that you are dehydrated, probably NOT the best idea to go running in 99 degree weather without hydrating first...i'm just saying.

Deb's Challenge!!

Hey all :) This is going to be a super fast post because this week is crazy busy! I wanted to let everyone know about Deb's fabulous Freedom Challenge! It starts on July 4 and I'm in :) Check out her blog for all the details!

Hope all is well in bloggy world.

Recipe Review-Orange Chicken Stir Fry

Hi all! First off, I was to thank each of you for your sweet comments yesterday. I always hesitate to post things like that because I don't want to be a Debbie Downer. At the same time, this journey is important to me and I can only be successful if I'm honest with myself and with you. I'm really trying to get to the root of the problem here, and to do that I'm going to have to let that kind of stuff out. :) Thank you for your support and for reading.

Ok, on to the recipe review! I found the following recipe on Allrecipes.com. Since I'm a sucker for chinese food, especially orange chicken (you know, the kind that's usually battered and fried and has 1000 cals per serving?), I had to try this. Once again, I should have taken a picture, but forgot.

Orange Chicken Stir Fry

Ingredients:
1 cup orange juice
1 tablespoon grated orange zest
1/4 cup soy sauce
1 teaspoon salt
3 cloves garlic, chopped
1 tablespoon brown sugar
3 tablespoons vegetable oil
4 skinless, boneless chicken breast halves - cut into 1 inch cubes
2 tablespoons all-purpose flour
1 cup bean sprouts (optional)
1 (6 ounce) package crispy chow mein noodles

Directions:
In a small bowl combine the orange juice, orange zest, soy sauce, salt, garlic and brown sugar. Mix well.
Heat oil in a large skillet or wok over medium high heat. When oil begins to bubble, add chicken. Saute until cooked through (no longer pink inside), about 7 to 10 minutes.
Add orange sauce mixture to chicken and cook until sauce begins to bubble. Add flour, a little bit at a time, until sauce has thickened to your liking. Add bean sprouts and cook for 1 minute; serve hot over chow mein noodles.

Nutritional Information
Amount Per Serving Calories: 524 Total Fat: 25.1g Cholesterol: 68mg

When I prepared this, I made a few changes. I used lo mein noodles instead of chow mein and I added ground ginger to the sauce. I also added onions and broccoli to the stir fry. This was good, but a little bland. If I were to make it again I'd add red chili pepper flakes for heat. I'd also add a lot more veggies for color, maybe some carrots, red peppers, green peppers, and even pea pods. I'd definitely cut the oil way down, maybe only 1 Tablespoon or none at all and use non-stick spray. I'd probably also put it over brown rice, or at least use less noodles.

Dh said it was "okay," but by the end of the night he had eaten all the leftovers. I liked it, it's a good basic recipe to start with :) Enjoy!

The dreaded swim party...and what I learned.

Well, I posted a few posts back about freaking out because my son was invited to a swim party and I didn't want to wear a swim suit, but that it turned out to be a sprinkler party. He got another one and this invite was DEFINITELY for a swim party and I was definitely going to have to get in. My 5 year old has had swimming lessons, can't quite "swim" yet, so getting in was going to be required. Cue the panic. I tried on my suit about a million times, checking from all angles for the "worst case scenario." It was pretty bad, but, I have vowed not to let my weight stop my sons from having fun. So, I put on the suit, packed a bag and set off.

We got there a tad late, and, as always, I was the heaviest one there. (Does anyone else do this? Look around to see if you're the heaviest? I ALWAYS do this). Then, I look in the bag. I forgot my t-shirt to swim in. I thought I was going to cry. There was no choice, though, the skinny, cute moms were already in the pool. When I looked around, I noticed everyone had a suit with either a skirt or shorts. Not me, mine was the most revealing! ACK! With no other choice, I just got in. I spent the whole time embarrassed and wishing it was over. The joy I felt at losing 30lbs was gone and replaced by lots of self loathing. That horribly mean inner voice of mine was on a rampage and I'm almost positive the whole experience is what led to some seriously poor eating choices. Why is it that when I feel bad about my weight I think a piece of cake will make me feel better?The good news is, my son had a good time :)

I did learn a lesson from all this. Even the skinny cute moms felt self-conscious. They were all covering what they perceived to be trouble spots. Even my good friend who is super cute, super skinny, and a runner was worried. I was not alone, although it felt like it. I'm pretty sure that nobody really cared what I looked like, and, if they did, it was fleeting. Somewhere along this path I'm going to have to learn to love myself for who I am and not what I look like or what the scale says. Now, any tips on how to do just that?

Failing to plan is planning to fail

Whew..what a couple of weeks. It's going to settle down, right? It has to! On the car accident front, we got a new car!!!!!! I am in *love* with it. We just happened in to the right dealership at the right time and got a really good deal on a car I never thought we could afford. They ended up selling it to us at a loss just to move it. It's awesome :) I'm SO glad that car shopping and car sharing are both over!

This week also marks the end of my little one's swimming lessons. They've done really well, but it has sure been hectic! I have to pick them up from school run home, feed them, get them in their suits and back across town at the pool in about 1.5 hours. It's been challenging and my eating has taken a beating. I failed to plan the meals this week which pretty much meant that I planned to fail. We have eaten out WAY too much. WAY too much, and we're not talking healthy eating out either. It makes me feel really guilty that my kids have eaten a lot of crap lately. Mommy guilt is a terrible thing! I'm vowing that we're eating IN every day next week and we're eating healthy, too.

As for me, I've tried to make the best choices possible, but, in reality, when you're eating Wendy's, pizza, etc. every night, it adds up. The scale is up, I feel icky. The other thing that I've noticed is that I eat more at night when I eat junk like that for dinner. Eating junk makes me crave more junk, which is no good. The good news is, I can fix this. I know how and knowing is half the battle! :)

Quick Update and a Blog Award!!

What a week. It started with the car accident and just went downhill. My poor little 5 year old had a fever of 104 all week with a yucky virus. Both DH and I missed a lot of work and it was tough trying to function as a one car family while trying to get everyone where they needed to be. My phone died for a day, then they totalled the car, Dh went out of town, we had birthday parties, work was nuts, etc, etc. In all honesty this past week or so has been the most stressful I've had in awhile. The good news is, while I got a tiny bit sloppy on eating, I did *not* binge. Only one time did I find myself saying, "aww, screw it, eat what you want, you deserve it!" I answered that voice with, "No, I deserve to take care of myself" and went on my way.



Weigh in today showed a small gain. I'm ok with that. Looking at my weigh-ins on my side bar, I really think that maybe my body just works that way. I lose some, lose some, gain some. Maybe it's just my loss pattern. I'm not sweating it. Speaking of sweating, I'm not sweating at all lately, no exercise still. There's no excuse for this.

In other news, Deb gave me the beautiful blogger award!!! Thanks Deb!!!


I *think* they way this works is that I tell you seven things that you didn't know about me and then award seven other bloggers. Here goes:


1. I am an advanced scuba diver.
2. I'm afraid of ET.
3. Although I'm a lawyer, I was once in a doctoral program for molecular developmental genetics.
4. I once visited 6 countries in 18 days.
5. I have never seen the original Star Wars.
6. I am emotionally allergic to mushrooms.
7. My DH and I met on the internet.


Phew, there they are, 7 facts, not very interesting ones, but facts nonetheless. ;)


On to the awards!!! The seven bloggers are:

Pam from The Rest of the Journey- Pam has been through a devastating experience. Her open, honest, and brave approach to healing is inspiring!


Jen from Jen's Losin' It-Jen has also suffered a tragedy recently and, like Pam, she's been very brave in working toward healing herself and her family.


Weight Watcher Wannabe -She posts amazing recipes and reviews of products! Plus, she has great ideas for healthy eating.


Lisa from No More Diet Drama-I really admire Lisa for her weight loss journey, she's in it not just to see the number on the scale go down, but to get to the root of the problem.


globalmom from Leaving Lap Band Land-She's got a great, practical approach to weight loss!


Jenny at Embracing A New Path-I'm new to her blog, but really enjoying catching up and following her journey!


Karen at Glass Slippers-She has her life *so* together, I'm in awe. Plus, she's studying for the bar exam!

Phew, what a day, weigh in milestone, and random thoughts

Phew! The past few days have been a whirlwind. On Monday my husband and children got into a car accident. Everyone is fine now, but it was scary. My littlest vomited afterwards so we were concerned about a head injury, so we headed off to the doctor just in case. The eldest went on to school while we handled all the towing and paperwork. Then, the oldest came home with a fever and sore throat. He's still sick, so he's going to earn himself a trip to the pediatrician too. The car, on the other hand, is not looking so hot. The back bumper and fenders are crumpled, the headlights are off, the truck is stuck open and the back windshield shattered. It's a 2004 model, so its not-so-new, and I'm really afraid that they are going to total it. Buying a new car is just not in the cards at the moment. It's possible, but not optimal.

In other news, weigh day was yesterday and I hit 30lbs lost! WhoooooHOOOOOOO!!!!! This weight is creeping off, I mean creeping off, but I'll take it! According to sparkpeople (my bible for all things weight loss), I'm on track to be below a serious milestone number by December 31, which would be AMAZING.

Ok, I need to give a couple of shoutouts. First to Deb, who left me a comment on a past post and directed me to her blog and her "football post." I thought I'd been following Deb all along, but that she just hadn't been posting much. Turns out, I wasn't following her. So, when I went over to her blog, I had catching up to do! For anyone who is struggling with weight loss right now, the football post is a must read! Thanks, Deb for posting and and directing me there when I needed it! The other cool thing is that, when I went to Deb's blog recently, I saw that she gave me a blog award!! Thanks, Deb! That was very sweet. I promise that it'll be my next post!

Also, Weight Watcher Wannabe, your guacamole recipe is AWE.SOME. I made it two days ago, and it's really really tasty. It's slightly embarrassing to admit, but the guac and some whole wheat pita chips made up my dinner Monday night. I didn't eat ALL of it, but I could! It's awesome on a morningstar farm black bean burger! Anyone who likes guac, try this!

So, there are other shoutouts that I want to do, but, seeing as I have a blog award to give out, I'll do it then :)

Recipe Review-Black Bean Cakes

Two days, two recipe reviews! I'm on a roll :) I came across this recipe for black bean cakes with salsa the other day and really wanted to try it. So, last night was the night! Here's the recipe:


Vegetarian Black Bean Cakes with Orange-Basil Salsa

Ingredients:

Salsa
2 navel oranges, separated and cut into small pieces
1 large tomato, cored and diced finely
1 scallion, sliced thin
1 tbsp fresh basil, minced
1 garlic clove, minced
1 tbsp fresh lime juice
2 tsp olive oil
1 small jalapeno pepper seeded and minced
1 dash salt

Bean Cakes
4 cups cooked black beans, rinsed and drained if canned
2 eggs
1/2 cup bread crumbs
1 tbsp olive oil, plus oil for greasing pan
1 medium onion, diced finely
2 garlic cloves, minced1 celery rib, sliced thin
1 tsp ground cumin
1/4 tsp salt
Liberal seasoning of freshly ground pepper

Directions
Combine all the salsa ingredients in a bowl. Let sit for at least 1 hour.Place 3 cups of the black beans in a large bowl. Process the remaining cup of beans with the eggs until smooth. Stir this mixture into the whole beans along with the bread crumbs.Heat the oil in a medium skillet over medium heat. Add the onion, garlic, and celery and saute until very tender and beginning to brown. Sprinkle on the cumin and cook 1 more minute. Scrape the vegetables into the bean mixture and add the salt and pepper. Stir to mix well. Preheat oven to 375 degrees. Lightly oil a baking sheet.Using a 1/3 cup measuring cup, scoop up 12 portions of the bean mixture and place on the baking sheet. Flatten out with the scoop or your hand. Bake 10 minutes, flip and bake 10 more minutes. Serve the bean cakes with a spoonful of salsa on each. * Note, the cakes can be made in a lightly oiled skillet or pancake griddle. I have also used a Foreman grill. Number of Servings: 6

Nutritional Info: Fat: 6.1g Carbohydrates: 48.3gCalories:294.2Protein: 14.2g

I made the cakes as described in the recipe, but didn't have the stuff for the salsa, so we had salsa from a jar. The taste of the bean cakes is really really yummy. Even my "meat and potatoes" hubby liked these. The only problem is, they fall apart really easily. I'm not sure how to fix this. Maybe one of you is good at solving cooking problems? I thought maybe if I processed more of the beans they'd stick together. What do you use as a binding agent for something like this?

All in all, yummy taste, crumbly texture. This is definitely going to become a staple in my house, though, if I can fix the crumbly issue!

Recipe Review-Barefoot Contessa's Chicken Chili

Last night I made a yummy chicken chili for dinner. It was very tasty and very healthy. It's really more of a stew, though, and not very chili-like. This one is a keeper! I give it four stars :) Here's the recipe:

Barefoot Contessa's Chicken Chili

Ingredients:
4 cups chopped yellow onions (3 onions)
1/8 cup good olive oil, plus extra for chicken
1/8 cup minced garlic (2 cloves)
2 red bell peppers, cored, seeded, and large-diced
2 yellow bell peppers, cored, seeded, and large-diced
1 teaspoon chili powder
1 teaspoon ground cumin
1/4 teaspoon dried red pepper flakes, or to taste
1/4 teaspoon cayenne pepper, or to taste
2 teaspoons kosher salt, plus more for chicken
2 (28-ounce) cans whole peeled plum tomatoes in puree, undrained
1/4 cup minced fresh basil leaves
4 split chicken breasts, bone in, skin on
Freshly ground black pepper

For serving: Chopped onions, corn chips, grated cheddar, sour cream
Directions

Cook the onions in the oil over medium-low heat for 10 to 15 minutes, until translucent. Add the garlic and cook for 1 more minute. Add the bell peppers, chili powder, cumin, red pepper flakes, cayenne, and salt. Cook for 1 minute. Crush the tomatoes by hand or in batches in a food processor fitted with a steel blade (pulse 6 to 8 times). Add to the pot with the basil. Bring to a boil, then reduce the heat and simmer, uncovered, for 30 minutes, stirring occasionally.

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F. Rub the chicken breasts with olive oil and place them on a baking sheet. Sprinkle generously with salt and pepper. Roast the chicken for 35 to 40 minutes, until just cooked. Let cool slightly. Separate the meat from the bones and skin and cut it into 3/4-inch chunks. Add to the chili and simmer, uncovered, for another 20 minutes. Serve with the toppings, or refrigerate and reheat gently before serving.

Because I was short on time, I just boiled some boneless chicken breasts. I think next time I'll actually roast them, because the chicken needed some spices and flavor. I also upped the amount of spices called for because I *knew* my kids wouldn't eat it anyway and my husband and I like a kick to our chili. This was really good. Hubby ate three bowls! I served it with a salad and it was a very yummy and very low calorie dinner.

Here are the stats:
Serving Size 1 (534g)
Recipe makes 6 servings
Calories 250
Calories from Fat 90
Total Fat 10.0g
Cholesterol 30mg
Sodium 636mg
Potassium 1143mg
Total Carbohydrate 29.0g
Dietary Fiber 6.4g
Sugars 13.3g
Protein 14.8g

Oh how I hate to post this...

This one's hard, but I'm going to do it because honesty is really important here. If you're tired of my "I blew it" posts, just skip this one. I honestly wish that I could.

Last night I got some bad news. Not really bad news, and not even unexpected bad news, but bad news just the same. For various reasons, I can't really say what happened, but just know that something that I wanted badly isn't going to happen. I tend not to take rejection well. I'm not taking it well this time. The news sent me into an internal downward spiral and made me question myself, my abilities, and my future. It sent me to a place that was far from pretty.

The news came right after I got home from work yesterday, from an already hard day. My DH took the kids to grandmas for awhile and he was a little slow to return. I knew it was because, on some level, he didn't want to deal with the fallout. Can't really say that I blame him. When he came back he mentioned that the kids were eating with grandma, and when I asked him if he ate there he said, "No, I figured I had to come back and eat depression stew with you." He knows me so well, he knows my reaction to rejection and he takes my disappointment about as hard as I do. So, I decided not to talk too much about it, to brush it off. After all, I expected the news, so how disappointed could I be?

So, instead of dealing with it, talking about it, and working through the yucky feelings, I did what I always do. Nibbled here and there. We ate dinner and I had more than I should. Then I had seconds. Then I had a few bites of what I fixed the kids, then I had some frozen fruit. Total calories for the day? 2300. Did I feel any better afterwards? Nope. Still don't. Actually, today is worse because the scale was ugly this morning. Again, I'm not surprised, but I'm still disappointed. Filling the hole I felt with food is not the answer. It never is.

There are things that have to happen now. I have to get it together, stay within my calorie limit, and exercise. I've been a slug lately. It's so sad.

So, I fessed up...again.

Needing a vacation.

Well, we all made it back from D.C. safe and sound. We had an amazing trip. It was great visiting family and seeing the sights. My boys thought the metro was the coolest thing they'd ever done. The only problem is, I need a vacation to recover from my vacation! Our first flight home (the one directly to Jacksonville) was cancelled so they put us on another flight with a layover in Atlanta. We boarded our flight and sat on the tarmac for an hour, then they told us that we were on a ground stop and had to get off the plane and wait. By this time my two boys were not happy campers.

After a long wait we took off and landed in Atlanta with 15 minutes to spare. We had to run across the airport carrying the kids to board the plane in time. We arrived in Jacksonville much later than planned and didn't get home until 4am Sunday. I'm STILL exhausted. So, I need a recovery vacation.

Food wise...well, I hate to come admit this, but it wasn't great. It wasn't awful, but it wasn't great. Weigh in today showed a gain of 1.4 pounds. I'm ok with it, it'll come off. The good news is that I didn't go crazy or anything, but I did enjoy sushi one night and cookout food yesterday. I'm trying to tell myself that it's part of life, enjoying food with friends, as long as you don't go overboard, and I didn't....too much. Do I sound like i'm rationalizing? Maybe I am.

Hopefully everyone had a fabulous long weekend!

Cool Giveaway at Healthy Stride

Hey all :) Just a quickie post, but there's a great giveaway going on at Healthy Stride. Check it out!

http://healthystride.blogspot.com/2010/05/truroots-giveaway.html

Leavin' On A Jet Plane and a NSV

That's SCOTUS-the Supreme Court of the United States. I'm a law geek, what can I say?

That's right, I'm leaving on a jet plane tomorrow! I'm very excited to be going to visit my brother near Washington, D.C. I'm taking both of my little men and my mom. My father and his wife will be there, too. We're all going to celebrate an important milestone for my brother. It's going to be a blast! The plan is to attend the ceremony and then take the kids to the zoo. The next day we'll hit the Smithsonian (or one of them) and then head to the airport to come home. It'll be a fast trip, but so much fun. I'm psyched!

The one thing I'm worried about? Food! I know, you're shocked, right? :) Keeping my eating under control while travelling is always an issue. Keeping my eating under control around my family is an issue. Keeping my eating under control around my family and food? Well, let's just say it rarely goes well. There are already plans to go to an amazing sushi restaurant AND the pancake house, which has the MOST amazing pancakes in the world. My plan is to make good food choices, keep portions under control, and try very very hard not to let this overshadow the trip. Think I can do it? I hope so!

I also had a really small non-scale victory (NSV). Today for lunch I met several friends at a local restaurant that has the BEST onion rings. I've been craving onion rings for weeks. The "good for you" version I posted below did well for awhile, but I wanted the real thing. I told myself that I could order them and eat a few, that was a reasonable choice. In all honesty, I didn't know if I was just rationalizing so I could eat them. So, I ordered a grilled chicken sandwich with no cheese and sauce on the side and O-rings. They came out, the plate was huge. This was going to be difficult. I dumped the bun, ate half the chicken breast with half the BBQ sauce, the pickle, and the tomato slice. Only THEN did I allow myself an onion ring. I ate 4. Less than half of what was on the plate. Then, I decided I was full, pushed the plate away, and was done. Victory!!!!!!! Felt full, not stuffed, and, most importantly, I felt satisfied.

Yay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :)

A weigh day yay!

This morning was weigh day. I was NOT looking forward to it, but stumbled out of bed and stepped on the scale....with my eyes closed. When I peeked, I was SHOCKED to see a 2.8lb loss. There is no explanation for this. How does eating more equal a bigger loss than before?

It makes no sense, but I'll take it! :)

Fessing up and wasted time.

Hi blog friends! Here I am! I didn't fall off the face of the Earth or anything. Just plodding along. This past week has not been good. Again. Notice a pattern? I do, and it's scary. I'm not completely out of control, but I'm certainly not IN control either. It's very scary, because I feel like I'm losing my grip. Right now it's just a few bites here, a few nibbles there, but my calories are ranging from 1700-2100 a day. NOT the 1500-1800 that I shoot for. Tomorrow's weigh in may not be pretty, but it may not be awful either. I don't know. There are all sorts of questions going through my head. Why did I lose control? Can I get it back? Why can't I just DO this? What if I can't do it?

This weekend brought on a situation I hope never arises again, but it's certain to happen. My son got an invitation to a birthday party. The invite had the dreaded direction to "Wear Your Swimsuit!" This caused pretty immediate panic. There is NO way that I could let myself be seen by the preschool parents IN.A.SWIMSUIT. Not possible. Couldn't do it. Then, I thought, I've missed out on SO much because of my weight, I will not let my son miss out because of my inability to maintain control. Then I put on the suit. Then I wasn't going. Then I told myself I had to. For literally a week I obsessed about this. Finally, I decided that we'd go and I'd bring shorts and a t-shirt to swim in and face the humiliation.

We went. You know what? There wasn't even a pool. It was a sprinkler party. No adult swimming required. Another week wasted obsessing over my body, my weight, and my food choices. Another week of bad choices that I'll never get back.

I really do hesitate to post these things, I can only imagine the response it must evoke in my readers.

Fried Chicken and Onion Rings

Yum! Buttermilk fried chicken and onion rings (with salad). That's what I had for dinner last night. I'm going to own it. I ate it so I have to fess up. It really was yummy.

Good thing I came in between 1500-1600 calories for the day :) Thanks to HungryGirl's recipes, we had a very yummy dinner that was healthy! So, here's a recipe review!

First, the Buttermilk Fried Chicken:

Ingredients:

1/3 cup reduced-fat buttermilk

1/8 tsp. paprika
12 oz. raw boneless skinless lean chicken breast tenders (about 10 pieces)

1/3 cup Fiber One bran cereal (original)

1/3 cup panko breadcrumbs (like the kind by Progresso)

1 tbsp. dry onion soup mix
Optional: salt, to taste

Directions:In a large sealable container or plastic bag, combine buttermilk with paprika and mix well. Add chicken and coat completely. Seal and refrigerate for at least 1 hour.Preheat oven to 375 degrees. Prepare a large baking sheet by spraying it with nonstick spray. Set aside.Using a blender or food processor, grind Fiber One cereal to a breadcrumb-like consistency. Pour crumbs into a large bowl. Add panko breadcrumbs and onion soup mix. If you like, add a dash or two of salt. Mix thoroughly. One at a time, remove each piece of chicken from container/bag, give it a shake (to get rid of excess buttermilk), coat it evenly with the crumb mixture, and lay it flat on the baking sheet. Bake in the oven for 10 minutes. Flip carefully (tongs work well!), and then bake for an additional 10 minutes, or until outsides are crispy and chicken is cooked through. CRUNCH time!MAKES 2 SERVINGS

Serving Size: 1/2 of recipe, about 5 piecesCalories: 315
Fat: 5g
Sodium: 586mg
Carbs: 25.5g
Fiber: 5g
Sugars: 3g Protein: 43g POINTS® value 6*


I didn't have the soup mix on hand, so I just mixed in some onion and garlic powder into the breading. This was really yummy. Seriously yummy. Even my super picky children loved it! They requested it for their lunch boxes today. It's really filling too, with all the fiber. I didn't end up eating a whole serving.

Now for the onion rings!

Lord of the Onion Rings 2.0

Ingredients:
1 large onion
1/2 cup Fiber One bran cereal (original)
1/2 cup fat-free liquid egg substitute (like Egg Beaters Original)
1/4 tsp. garlic powder, or more to taste
1/8 tsp. onion powder, or more to taste
1/8 tsp. salt, or more to taste
Black pepper, to taste

Directions:
Preheat oven to 375 degrees.Slice the ends off the onion and remove its outer layer. Cut onion into 1/2-inch-wide slices, and separate into rings. Set aside.Using a blender or food processor, grind Fiber One to a breadcrumb-like consistency. Season the crumbs with spices and transfer to a plate. Fill a small bowl with egg substitute. Prepare a baking sheet (or two, if you have a lot of rings) by spraying with nonstick spray. Set aside.Pop-Up Tip! For this next step, try using tongs or a fork to dip the rings into the egg substitute and cereal crumbs -- it'll keep your fingers from getting eggy & crumb-covered. (Don't pierce the rings with the fork; just balance them on it.)One at a time, dunk each ring in egg substitute, give it a shake to remove any excess, and then coat it in the seasoned crumbs. Evenly place rings on the baking sheet(s).Bake in the oven for 20 - 25 minutes, carefully flipping rings over about halfway through. Enjoy! MAKES 1 SERVING

PER SERVING (entire recipe): 155 calories, 1g fat, 515mg sodium, 41g carbs, 16g fiber, 7g sugars, 9g protein -- POINTS® value 2*

I didn't have egg beaters on hand, so I had to use real eggs, which I think may have messed these up. They were a tad disappointing. Onion rings are my FAV and I wanted a crispy, crunchy onion ring. These were not all that crispy, and the breading was a little dry. That being said, they were tasty and great for dunking in ketchup. I'll definitely make them again because they are a good swap to kill a craving and avoid eating the real things. Maybe they'll be better with egg beaters. My husband liked them, too.

Both recipes came from Hungrygirl.com, which is an amazing site! Her emails are great.

Hi all

It's been awhile since I've had a meaningful post. I apologize. Things have been downright crazy in my life, but hopefully we're settling down! I was doing ok eating-wise.

What's that? You noticed that I said "was," huh? Well, I was :) That is, until this weekend. Unfortunately, everything that could go wrong DID go wrong this weekend. The details aren't important (well, they are important, but not publicly publishable). Long story short, I got my feelings hurt a LOT this weekend. On several different occassions and by people who are closest to me. It all boils down to the fact that all weekend I felt as if everyone was putting me and my needs last.

So what did I do? Lost it eating wise. I am SUCH an emotional eater and when I'm hurting, I just seem to do more damage to myself by throwing caution to the wind. It wasn't pretty, the calorie counts weren't good. In fact, I haven't even entered yesterday's counts because I don't want to face it. I'm going to today, though, because I have to own it.

The good news is, I'm learning and I'm growing. Although my control was obliterated this weekend, I didn't go completely off the deep end. It wasn't as bad as it could have been, I was able to recognize what was happening and to stop myself from letting it go completely out of control. Also, I'm not kicking myself or talking negatively. I'm just picking myself up and moving on. These are steps in the right direction....right?

Hope everyone is doing fabulously!

Giveaway Winner!!

***Drumroll*****

Weight Watcher Wannabe!

Send me an email with your address and I'll get it right out to you! Congrats!

Discouraged.

Right now I'm discouraged. And mad. At myself. Just putting it out there.

Well, no wonder I'm confused!

Thanks, all, for your comments on the Reality Bites post. Blogging is so great because there are such great people out there like you guys for support. After reading your comments and thinking about the calorie needs some more, I decided to look at various calorie calculators online to see if I was on target with my daily intake. Well, no wonder I'm confused, look at the various results I got from the different websites for the number of calories that I should be eating per day to lose 2 pounds per week:

livestrong.com: 1873

fatsecret.com: 2300

Loseit!: 1700

fitday.com: 2184

sparkpeople.com: 1520-1870

healthyweightforum.org: 1186

calorieneedscalculator.com: 1561-2061

freedieting.com: 2047 (for fat loss) and 1912 (for extreme fat loss)

I wanted to try myfooddiary.com, but it's a paid website and I am pretty sure DH would flip if I added yet another weight loss related expense to our budget :)

So, according to the various calculators, I need to be eating anywhere from 1186 to 2300 calories per day. I'd almost certainly fail if I shot for 1186 because I'd be hungry all the time. Anything below about 1350 and I start feeling deprived which only leads to one result, and I don't want to go there. 2300 sounds outrageously high, that sounds like the type of number that got me where I am today.

The one cool thing I found was a "zig zag" plan from freedieting.com. It offered different caloric intakes for each day of the week in order to "trick" the body into faster weight loss or in order to break plateaus. I've heard of calorie cycling before. Do any of you do this? I think I probably do this naturally, just not to the extreme that the website suggested. Anyone have any thoughts on the subject?

****Remember to enter the giveaway below! Post about it on your blog for additional entries!***

Giveaway clarification :)

Hey all!

Remember the giveaway, it's fab!

Just to clarify, if you post about it on your blog, facebook, twitter, or all three (and I hope you do!) Leave me additional comments with the links, that will be your additional entries.

Good luck!

Giveaway!!

Hey bloggie buddies! I promised another giveaway and here it is. For awhile now I've been wanting to try Jillian Michaels' 30 Day Shred workout. It's about a 25 minute workout with a warmup and then three circuits of: 3 minutes strength, 2 minutes cardio, 1 minute abs. A friend at work did it and really saw a huge difference in her body. There are three levels of workouts, and, since I've been a slug as of late, I started with level 1. Day 1 was May 1.

Wow. I really expected it to be super easy, it was only about 25 minutes after all, but it was not super easy. It made my whole body hurt. On Day 1 I was feeling pretty good, but sore. Day 2 I thought every part of my body hurt. It became obvious I was wrong because by Day 3 even more hurt. Today is Day 4. I hopped (or coaxed myself) out of bed at 5:30 and finished the workout. It's amazing! I had more endurance today and I don't hurt nearly as much. I'm really surprised that 4 days is enough to feel a difference. I don't plan on making it my only exercise, but it's an awesome jumpstart for the day.

The workout was available "on demand" with my cable provider, but, as of today, it's gone. I knew it was ending yesterday, so I went out and bought the video, which has all three workouts and I picked up an extra for a giveaway! Yay! Here's the amazon link if you want to learn more about it: http://www.amazon.com/Jillian-Michaels-30-Day-Shred/dp/B00127RAJY/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=dvd&qid=1272977171&sr=8-1

So, want to win a copy of the DVD with all three workouts? It's easy peasy! Same as last time, leave me a comment on this post if you'd like to enter. One comment per person, please. If you'd like extra chances to win, post about the giveaway on your blog (or twitter or facebook, or all three for one more entry each). I'd really appreciate it if you shared the giveaway with your readers! Hey, it helps me and ups your chances of winning! I'm going to run the giveaway until Monday, May 10.

Good luck!

Reality bites.

Sometimes it's amazing to me how much I can lie to myself. This past week I've been chugging along, stepping on the scale less, and I even exercised! Yes! Exercised!! So, I am absolutely going to post a loss this week, right? Of course! I'm working hard, doing great, making great choices!!!! Whoohoo!

So, yesterday, I decided to hop right on that bad boy scale and see just how much of a loss I was looking at. I stepped on, looked at the number, said, "huh?" A gain? It must be wrong, let's try again. Stepped off then back on, same number. This makes no sense.

For a few hours I ranted and raved, both internally and to DH who is uber-tired of hearing about the whole weight loss deal. Over and over again I said, I'm working so hard! I even said it in a whiny voice, one that I thought only my 5 year old could do. Then, I thought, let's review your calories over the past week.

As the little one would say, DUH! Of COURSE I gained weight this week. I averaged about 1800 calories per day, about 300 MORE than I had been. Now, I've allowed myself a few extras this week, and I even logged them in sparkpeople, but I didn't *get* it. I didn't face the reality that I was inching back toward my old habits. Well, I'm facing that reality and, you know what? Reality bites.

The good news is, I'm really NOT beating myself up over it. I realized my mistakes, let myself get a little sloppy, but that's ok. I'm human, it happens. The awesome part about it is, I know how to fix it. Get back into control, log EVERY bite, stay within my calorie limits, and exercise. I can do this, we can all do this!

The one thing I don't feel totally sure of is my calorie goals. I try to stick between 1400-1800 a day. Do you all think this is a good number? Too high? What are your calorie goals?

In other news, I have a cool giveaway planned in the near future that has to do with my new exercise endeavor. It's a little bit of a selfish giveaway since I want someone else to be embarking on this journey with me. :) Stay tuned.

(P.S. I just re-read this, it's annoyingly cheerleader-y. Sorry.)

Great iTunes Giveaway!

Hi all :) Lindsay over at Healthy Stride is hosting a great giveaway for an iTunes gift card. Check it out! :)

Her blog is really great. She's been wildly successful with weight loss and is now training to run a half marathon. Her story is awe inspiring. Check her out!

Confession

It's confession time here at PPP. There's something that I need to put out to the universe, it's not a big huge juicy secret, just something that has been bugging me. April was my 10 year college reunion. I attended the most wonderful college in the world. It's a small women's institution where I met some of the most wonderful people. Attending was the best decision I ever made, I think I grew more in those 4 years than I ever could have imagined. When I started I was a scared, completely introverted girl with little to no self esteem. I graduated a much stronger woman thanks to my friends and professors.

The reunion was something I'd been looking forward to for a really long time. I longed to see the girls from school and catch up. There were only around 65 people in my graduating class, so we were all very close and I couldn't wait to get together. There was so much planned, two parties, a class meeting, lots of gab time. I was even going to get to see a friend from high school that also went to the same college. She moved to Alaska and I hadn't seen her since college graduation.

Here's the thing. I didn't go. There were lots of reasons in my head for not attending. We were busy, I didn't want to be away from the kids, the housework needed to be done, etc, etc, etc. The real reason? Shame. My weight ballooned since college and I didn't want to face anyone. College was the one time that I actually lost quite a bit of weight. Well, since then I found it all, plus some.

Most of that weekend I moped around because I wasn't at the reunion and I'm still really upset that I didn't go. Nobody would have cared what I looked like, it would have been a wonderful weekend.

There's a lesson in all of this, it's that I can't wait until I'm at my "goal weight" (whatever THAT is) before I start living. So, it's out there now and I feel better for sharing it.

It's ok.

Thanks for your kind words on my last post. I was really feeling down and your comments meant the world to me. Posting such a downer post is really conflicting for me. On one hand, I want to use this blog to explore my weight and food issues, to get to the bottom of this problem once and for all. On the other hand, I don't want to post things that make you all roll your eyes and think, "here she goes again."

Part of what brings on days like yesterday is that I start to look ahead at where I want to be. I want to be eating whole foods, exercising daily, running 3 miles at a time, thinner, healthier. I want to not have to obsess over food choices and be able to enjoy social gatherings without wondering if I'm going to blow it. Perfection, that's what I want. The thing is, I'll never *be* perfect, except in my imperfection.

Trying to be perfect is part of my cycle of dieting. So many times I've started new plans, and boy were they ever strict. No carbs, low fat, only this food, only that food. These plans were horrid and inflexible and not at all in tune with my daily life. When life would go haywire and I'd go "off plan." Then, if I was already off plan, I'd think that I'd blown it, so I'd convince myself that I could eat what ever I wanted, which would lead to making it impossible to get back ON plan. Then I'd gain all the weight I lost back, usually plus some, and be more miserable than I was in the first place. Miserable because I had not been perfect.

Part of this journey for me is learning that it's ok to be imperfect. Flexibility and making sure that nothing is "off limits" is helping me to avoid the feeling that I've "blown" it. If I don't HAVE to be perfect, making a less than wise food choice doesn't mean that I've failed or that I'm doomed. All it means is that I have to make up for those poor choices with better choices. I can do that.

What I want remains the same, but I realize that my choices and my habits are going to have to slowly change. It's a process, a long one, but that's ok. Here are some other things that are ok:

-It's ok that I eat frozen meals for lunch some times. These are better choices than a burger and fries.

-It's ok that I don't burn 1000 calories a day exercising. It's not all or nothing.

-It's ok that I eat processed foods in general. I can work toward incorporating more whole foods slowly, so that it's a welcomed change for myself and my family.

-It's ok that I still have to shop in the "wide" section (this is a joke in my family, as I really used to think that the "W" meant wide instead of woman). I'll make it to the other side of the store again one day.

-It's ok that I drink more than just water. I'm working toward upping the water and decreasing the diet cokes.

-It's ok that sometimes I have artificial sweetener (splenda). I eat MUCH less of it now than I used to, and I'll slowly be able to eliminate it.

Here are some things that are NOT ok:

-It's NOT ok to put myself last all the time.

-It's NOT ok to fail to exercise at all.

-It's NOT ok to beat myself up.

-It's NOT ok "speak" nasty things to myself, I certainly wouldn't say horrible things to other people.

Thanks again, blog buddies!

Random thoughts.

Hi bloggie buddies! Just checking in. I don't feel like I have a lot to say today, mostly because the weight loss journey is getting me down. There are some wonderfully inspirational stories of people who have successfully fought obesity and won. I really do want to be one of those people who wins the fight, but, sometimes it feels so hopeless. The loss is so slow. I hate the way my body looks and feels. I was success. Looking at other blogs of people who are seeing or saw fast weight loss makes me jealous, and that's a horrid way to feel.

At the same time, if I'm honest, I'm not putting in the effort that the fast losers are putting in. I have to find the motivation to exercise. I have to MAKE the time to exercise. All weekend I kept saying that I was going to go for a run, but I also had work that needed to be done and I felt guilty that my kids didn't get quality mommy time. All the pulling from other directions meant I didn't pull back for any time for myself. No excuses, I should have. Tomorrow's weigh-in won't be pretty.

Giveaway winner!!

***DRUMROLL***

This is so exciting! My first giveaway winner! My official selection committee (which was my 5 year old who pulled a name from a hat) has informed me that the winner is:

TIFF from Project 365!! Congrats, Tiff! Email me at Clee0805@gmail.com with your address and I'll mail you the book!

For those of you that didn't win this time, no worries! I have more giveaways planned in the future!

Congrats, again, Tiff!

Giveaway reminder, making a 'Bucks run, and is it too good to be true?

Good morning bloggie buddies! Just wanted to remind you all that the giveaway ends tomorrow at midnight! If you don't mind, please post about it on your blog, I'd appreciate it and it gets you an additional entry for the book. This giveaway idea is fun. I'm trying to come up with more fun ideas for giveaways, any suggestions?

Also, I have to report a minor victory. This morning I woke up completely famished. It being the end of the week, our grocery stock pile is low. We literally had no bread or english muffins, I was out of clif bars, and I had no time to scramble an egg (not to mention the fact that I hate eggs). So, I decided I'd stop for breakfast on my way to work, I needed coffee anyway. Remembering that I had a Starbuck's giftcard, I decided to make a run for the 'Bucks. In the olden days (ha!) I'd have ordered a latte and a scone, which would have totalled in over 600 cals, if the latte was skinny. That's what I REALLY wanted this morning. Instead, I ordered oatmeal and a skinny iced coffee, which totalled at 329. Still much more than I budget for breakfast, usually, but not bad! Yay!!!

Finally, does anyone else ever eat at Genghis Grill? Here in the armpit of Florida, we just got a Genghis. I LOVE it. Keeping in mind that it's fast stir-fry food, it's a great option. You control what and exactly how much of everything goes in your stir fry. Plus, their website has a "build your bowl" option where you can total up the number of calories in your dish. When I build my bowl, I end up getting a meal with relatively low calories for the amount you get. Which leads me to question if it's too good to be true? Does anyone else eat there? Any thoughts?

Hope all is well in bloggy world! Still no exercise for me, I'm not sure why, other than I'm just lazy.

Giveaway!!

It's my first blog giveaway :) As I mentioned before, I'm really enjoying reading "Women Food and God" by Geneen Roth. It's been very eye-opening for me as a woman who has struggled with my relationship with food all my life. Many of the things that Roth discusses in the book really hit home. So, I'm going to give away a copy of the book! Here's the product description and picture from amazon.com:



"No matter how sophisticated or wealthy or broke or enlightened you are, how you eat tells all.

If you suffer about your relationship with food -- you eat too much or too little, think about what you will eat constantly or try not to think about it at all -- you can be free. Just look down at your plate. The answers are there. Don't run. Look. Because when we welcome what we most want to avoid, we contact the part of ourselves that is fresh and alive. We touch the life we truly want and evoke divinity itself.

Since adolescence, Geneen Roth has gained and lost more than a thousand pounds. She has been dangerously overweight and dangerously underweight. She has been plagued by feelings of shame and self-hatred and she has felt euphoric after losing a quick few pounds on a fad diet. Then one day, on the verge of suicide, she did something radical: She dropped the struggle, ended the war, stopped trying to fix, deprive and shame herself. She began trusting her body and questioning her beliefs.

It worked. And losing weight was only the beginning.

She wrote about her discoveries in When Food Is Love, her first New York Times bestseller. She gave huge numbers of women their first insights into compulsive eating and she changed huge numbers of lives for the better.

Now, after more than three decades of studying, teaching and writing about what drives our compul-sions with food, Geneen adds a profound new dimension to her work in Women, Food and God. She begins with her most basic concept: The way you eat is inseparable from your core beliefs about being alive. Your relationship with food is an exact mirror of your feelings about love, fear, anger, meaning, transformation and, yes, even God. But it doesn't stop there. Geneen shows how going beyond both the food and feelings takes you deeper into realms of spirit and soul to the bright center of your own life.

With penetrating insight and irreverent humor, Roth traces food compulsions from subtle beginnings to unexpected ends. She teaches personal examination, showing readers how to use their relationship with food to discover the fulfillment they long for.

Your relationship with food, no matter how conflicted, is the doorway to freedom, says Roth. What you most want to get rid of is itself the doorway to what you want most: the demystification of weight loss and the luminous presence that so many of us call "God."

Packed with revelations on every page, this book is a knock-your-socks-off ride to a deeply fulfilling relationship with food, your body...and almost everything else. Women, Food and God is, quite simply, a guide for life. "


Here's the skinny, to enter, just leave a comment on this post, one comment entry per person. For an extra entry, post about this giveaway on your blog and then leave me a comment with a link back to your blog post. The contest will run until Saturday at midnight and then I'll randomly select a winner.

This should be fun! I'm excited!

Checking in

Hi all, just a quick check in. Things have been going well. Eating has been under control. At weigh-in today I saw a 2lb loss. I really had hoped that it would be more, but it wasn't. There's no way I should have expected more, but a girl can hope, right?

While my eating has been good, I've made mostly good choices and stayed under the calorie budget, my exercise has been pretty nonexistant. There's definitely a pattern with me, I do pretty well at either exercise or eating, but rarely do well at both. The thing is, I FEEL so much better when I exercise. It's a must, really, so getting it together is my only option. I've decided that I'd really like an elliptical at home. Maybe I can find a cheaper used one.

One of you (I think it was Lisa?) suggested a book by Geneen Roth in a comment awhile back. This weekend I picked up "Women, Food, and God." It is really amazing and speaking to me on so many levels. In all honesty, I cried twice by the time I got to page 23 because the book just hits me really hard. It's about coming to terms with your relationship with food and how that relationship really reflects who you are and your core beliefs. As a binge eater, it's a very eye-opening read for me. I'm anxious to finish it and considering doing a blog giveaway with a copy of it. Would anyone be interested in reading it?



Hope all is well is bloggy world.

Oh yeah, and thanks Weight Watcher Wannabe, you have me addicted to frozen grapes :)