Deep Breath

Thank you. Thank you to those of you who've commented on my last few posts and those that have sent emails in support. I cannot even begin to tell you what your words mean. Right now, I'm in a dark place with myself. I'm frustrated and angry and sad and out of control and miserable with how I look and feel and it feels pretty hopeless.

So, in an effort to find that motivation that I lack, I want to list things that I want out of this journey:

1. I want to be healthier, with lower BP, ankles that don't swell, and more energy to play with my boys.

2. Prettier clothes that fit right and that I use to accentuate the good parts of my body rather than being happy to find clothes that fit and hide my body.

3. Freedom from food addiction. In my house growing up, food was love. I have to break that mindset.

4. I want to be able to go past a mirror without averting my eyes. Now, I avoid mirrors at all costs. I want to be able to enter a room without immediately looking around to figure out if I'm the fattest person there. I want to be able to go to the beach without panicking over being in a swim suit in public.

5. I want to stop identifying myself by the number on the scale or the size on the tag. I want to see myself as something other than fat.

So, here are some goals. Just for the week, the week starting now:

1. Work out 4x this week. No excuses.
2. Stay within 1800 calories per day.
3. Track my food intake every day.
4. Drink 8 glasses of water a day.
5. Take measurements and then put the scale away. No obsessive weighing.

So, that's it, pretty reasonable, huh? I can do this. One day at a time.