Well, I posted a few posts back about freaking out because my son was invited to a swim party and I didn't want to wear a swim suit, but that it turned out to be a sprinkler party. He got another one and this invite was DEFINITELY for a swim party and I was definitely going to have to get in. My 5 year old has had swimming lessons, can't quite "swim" yet, so getting in was going to be required. Cue the panic. I tried on my suit about a million times, checking from all angles for the "worst case scenario." It was pretty bad, but, I have vowed not to let my weight stop my sons from having fun. So, I put on the suit, packed a bag and set off.
We got there a tad late, and, as always, I was the heaviest one there. (Does anyone else do this? Look around to see if you're the heaviest? I ALWAYS do this). Then, I look in the bag. I forgot my t-shirt to swim in. I thought I was going to cry. There was no choice, though, the skinny, cute moms were already in the pool. When I looked around, I noticed everyone had a suit with either a skirt or shorts. Not me, mine was the most revealing! ACK! With no other choice, I just got in. I spent the whole time embarrassed and wishing it was over. The joy I felt at losing 30lbs was gone and replaced by lots of self loathing. That horribly mean inner voice of mine was on a rampage and I'm almost positive the whole experience is what led to some seriously poor eating choices. Why is it that when I feel bad about my weight I think a piece of cake will make me feel better?The good news is, my son had a good time :)
I did learn a lesson from all this. Even the skinny cute moms felt self-conscious. They were all covering what they perceived to be trouble spots. Even my good friend who is super cute, super skinny, and a runner was worried. I was not alone, although it felt like it. I'm pretty sure that nobody really cared what I looked like, and, if they did, it was fleeting. Somewhere along this path I'm going to have to learn to love myself for who I am and not what I look like or what the scale says. Now, any tips on how to do just that?