This one's hard, but I'm going to do it because honesty is really important here. If you're tired of my "I blew it" posts, just skip this one. I honestly wish that I could.
Last night I got some bad news. Not really bad news, and not even unexpected bad news, but bad news just the same. For various reasons, I can't really say what happened, but just know that something that I wanted badly isn't going to happen. I tend not to take rejection well. I'm not taking it well this time. The news sent me into an internal downward spiral and made me question myself, my abilities, and my future. It sent me to a place that was far from pretty.
The news came right after I got home from work yesterday, from an already hard day. My DH took the kids to grandmas for awhile and he was a little slow to return. I knew it was because, on some level, he didn't want to deal with the fallout. Can't really say that I blame him. When he came back he mentioned that the kids were eating with grandma, and when I asked him if he ate there he said, "No, I figured I had to come back and eat depression stew with you." He knows me so well, he knows my reaction to rejection and he takes my disappointment about as hard as I do. So, I decided not to talk too much about it, to brush it off. After all, I expected the news, so how disappointed could I be?
So, instead of dealing with it, talking about it, and working through the yucky feelings, I did what I always do. Nibbled here and there. We ate dinner and I had more than I should. Then I had seconds. Then I had a few bites of what I fixed the kids, then I had some frozen fruit. Total calories for the day? 2300. Did I feel any better afterwards? Nope. Still don't. Actually, today is worse because the scale was ugly this morning. Again, I'm not surprised, but I'm still disappointed. Filling the hole I felt with food is not the answer. It never is.
There are things that have to happen now. I have to get it together, stay within my calorie limit, and exercise. I've been a slug lately. It's so sad.
So, I fessed up...again.