Hi blog friends! Here I am! I didn't fall off the face of the Earth or anything. Just plodding along. This past week has not been good. Again. Notice a pattern? I do, and it's scary. I'm not completely out of control, but I'm certainly not IN control either. It's very scary, because I feel like I'm losing my grip. Right now it's just a few bites here, a few nibbles there, but my calories are ranging from 1700-2100 a day. NOT the 1500-1800 that I shoot for. Tomorrow's weigh in may not be pretty, but it may not be awful either. I don't know. There are all sorts of questions going through my head. Why did I lose control? Can I get it back? Why can't I just DO this? What if I can't do it?
This weekend brought on a situation I hope never arises again, but it's certain to happen. My son got an invitation to a birthday party. The invite had the dreaded direction to "Wear Your Swimsuit!" This caused pretty immediate panic. There is NO way that I could let myself be seen by the preschool parents IN.A.SWIMSUIT. Not possible. Couldn't do it. Then, I thought, I've missed out on SO much because of my weight, I will not let my son miss out because of my inability to maintain control. Then I put on the suit. Then I wasn't going. Then I told myself I had to. For literally a week I obsessed about this. Finally, I decided that we'd go and I'd bring shorts and a t-shirt to swim in and face the humiliation.
We went. You know what? There wasn't even a pool. It was a sprinkler party. No adult swimming required. Another week wasted obsessing over my body, my weight, and my food choices. Another week of bad choices that I'll never get back.
I really do hesitate to post these things, I can only imagine the response it must evoke in my readers.