Monday, May 24, 2010

Fessing up and wasted time.

Hi blog friends! Here I am! I didn't fall off the face of the Earth or anything. Just plodding along. This past week has not been good. Again. Notice a pattern? I do, and it's scary. I'm not completely out of control, but I'm certainly not IN control either. It's very scary, because I feel like I'm losing my grip. Right now it's just a few bites here, a few nibbles there, but my calories are ranging from 1700-2100 a day. NOT the 1500-1800 that I shoot for. Tomorrow's weigh in may not be pretty, but it may not be awful either. I don't know. There are all sorts of questions going through my head. Why did I lose control? Can I get it back? Why can't I just DO this? What if I can't do it?

This weekend brought on a situation I hope never arises again, but it's certain to happen. My son got an invitation to a birthday party. The invite had the dreaded direction to "Wear Your Swimsuit!" This caused pretty immediate panic. There is NO way that I could let myself be seen by the preschool parents IN.A.SWIMSUIT. Not possible. Couldn't do it. Then, I thought, I've missed out on SO much because of my weight, I will not let my son miss out because of my inability to maintain control. Then I put on the suit. Then I wasn't going. Then I told myself I had to. For literally a week I obsessed about this. Finally, I decided that we'd go and I'd bring shorts and a t-shirt to swim in and face the humiliation.

We went. You know what? There wasn't even a pool. It was a sprinkler party. No adult swimming required. Another week wasted obsessing over my body, my weight, and my food choices. Another week of bad choices that I'll never get back.

I really do hesitate to post these things, I can only imagine the response it must evoke in my readers.


  1. AW I am sorry, way to still go though and make the best of it for your son. Hope you have a good week :)

  2. I totally would have freaked and then had the mom guilt-exactly like you did. But you should be proud of yourself for going. It must have been hard. Use this as lesson learned, no more stressing over your weight! You are doing a great job!

  3. Ugh. I would have had the EXACT SAME reaction! And then to find out that there actually wasn't any issue to begin with--ack. That certainly set you up to feel foolish. Not good. Oh, man, do I feel for you.

    The aftereffect must be bruising. It's okay to feel bad--and it's VERY OKAY to shake it off now, too. It's okay. Take a deep breath and move on.

    You know, there may be a reason why you are having such a hard time sticking to your cal range. For me--and everyone is different--it was gluten. Eating wheat products or barley fire up superhuman sized cravings for me.

    When I cut gluten out--no cravings. Understand--I did not binge on bread, etc, with these cravings. Huh-uh. Which is what made it so hard to track--I binged on sugar. But--no gluten--no binges. Lke a miracle.

    your trigger may not be gluten. But it IS something. You're not just nuts. There IS something. Keep looking.

    You might like my last post about football wisdom. :) Nothing to do with gluten. :)


  4. If's fantastic that you post this stuff. Make others feel that there not alone in there thoughts and feelings.. :)Your great!!!!!