Struggling.

What can I say?  I'm struggling.  Hard.  I'm completely out of control and I don't know what or how to get back into control.  I KNOW what to do to lose weight, it's the doing it that I can't seem to handle.  It sounds weak and sad to type, but it's the truth right now.

Write and Release

Drazil over at "It's just Me, Drazil, and Sheniqua" is one of my favorite bloggers.  She's probably one the of the bravest bloggers I read.  She faces her issues head on and she's kind enough to share her journey with us. She's really inspiring, if you don't read her, check her out!  Today she did a "write and release" post where she wrote her fears and anxieties as away to release them.  Seeing as I'm dealing with a mountain of fears and anxieties right now, I'm stealing her idea.....

The following things, in no particular order, are turning my world upside down.  I find myself constantly fighting back tears or the urge to scream and just rail on the world....so I'm writing and releasing instead.

My baby starts kindergarten in two weeks.  My baby.  I'm so nervous and anxious for him.  I hope he gets a good teacher, makes friends easily, and does not have a tough transition.  His older brother's change to K was less than ideal, and by that I mean that he cried every. single. morning. for 4 months.  I had to walk away every morning while he screamed for me.  Therefore, I cried every. single. morning. for 4 months.  Oh, how I wish I could put my kids in a bubble and protect them from the world.

My husband is going through a tough time at work.  He's frustrated and stressed and scared and I don't know one thing to do about it.  Every day he just looks more deflated and I can't stop it.  If I could, I'd put him in a bubble too.

This weight loss thing isn't going well.  It isn't going poorly, either, the problem is that it isn't going at all.  What if I am fat forever?  It is so frustrating to KNOW the answer.  Eat less, move more...it sounds so simple on paper, but I can't seem to put it into practice.

I'm so scared that the doctors will never figure out what's wrong with me.  What started with minor shoulder pain 2 years ago is now pain all over my body.  I feel like a crazy person.  Test after test shows nothing is wrong, but something IS wrong.  Two years and 16 doctors and all I know is that I hurt.  What if there isn't an answer?  What if it keeps getting worse?

Finances are tougher than usual.  We are blessed beyond belief because we just bought the house of our dreams, but now money is tight, at least for awhile.  Of course the pool pump shorted and my husband's car needs work, I need work clothes, it's back to school time, and our appliances are on their last legs...All of that added in with the fact that I do not handle money issues well, it makes me think of growing up and my parents fighting over money.  Just thinking about it makes my heart race.

My grandmother's death has done a number on  my family.  My grandfather is sad and lost and clinging to my mom and my mom is feeling smothered.  I have tremendous guilt about not being able to be with them more.  Some days it hits me so hard that she's really gone and I literally double over.  I miss her.

Work is not stellar.  I like my job and I love my friends here, but I feel like it's time to move on.  Waking up one day and realizing I never tried anything else would be a big mistake.  The problem is, my job now is very mommy friendly and I work in a field that is not at all mommy friendly.  Everyone that I know that has left here either came back, or desperately wants to.  I'd love to find a job that I adore, that challenges me in new ways, but that also allows me to go to the school play or on a field trip now and again.  I feel constantly torn between the professional me and the personal me.  Of course family wins, every time, it always will...but there has to be a better balance.


Phew... There they are, the major sources of stress.  Hopefully the write and release will help.

Friend Makin' Monday

It's that time again, for Friend Makin' Monday!! If any of you read Kenlie at www.alltheweigh.com, you know she's awesome and an inspiration. Every Monday she does FMM. Here's my version! If you feel so inclined, answer this weeks' questions and then link back up in the comments at Kenlie's blog!

 

 

Goals and More

1. Brag about some of your daily, healthy habits. Oh!   How sad is it that I haven't had many daily healthy habits?! Ugh!  I can say that my family and I swim almost every day after dinner, so daily activity is good!

2. Do you track your daily food intake? If so, how? I do.  I use MyFitnessPal.com, or the app on my phone. 

3. What do you want to change most about your daily routine?  I wish I could get into the habit of packing my lunch and healthy snacks every day.  Eating out less often for lunch and munching on an apple rather than hitting the vending machine would help tremendously.

4. How often do you exercise?  I walk with a friend 3 times a week and swim in the pool (not laps, more leisurely stuff) as often as the weather allows.

5. How do you stay on track when you’re on the go? Staying on track while i'm on the go is SO hard for me.  It's a constant battle. 

6. What’s one excuse you use that prevents you from reaching your goals? Time.  There just seems to be a huge lack of time.  I'm going from the time I get up to the time I go to sleep.  My exercise time is in the morning and getting up at 4:45a.m. when I went to bed at midnight is just tough.

7. What scares your most about your journey? That I'm going to fail.

8. What do you think will change most when you reach your goal? (If you have reached it, what’s different?)  I hope that I can learn to love myself, stop avoiding mirrors and stop missing out on life because of my weight.

9. What motivates you to reach your goals?  My children.  I want to be around to see them grow up and see their kids!

10. Share a few of your goals.

~I will track my food religiously.

~I will drop the splenda habit.

~ I will run the Disney Princess Half Marathon in 2013!!! Or at least FINISH it.

~I will increase the water and decrease the coke zero.

A quick favor

So, here's the deal....I haven't been a good blogger lately, but i'm working to get back at it!  A lot of my favorite bloggers have stopped blogging, and I'm super bummed.  Can any of you suggest some of your favorite blogs for weight loss, inspiration, family, health?  Also, i'm going to update my blog roll, anyone want to be on it?

Hope all is well with my blogging buddies.  I do have a weekend update post, hopefully tomorrow!

Friend Makin' Mondays!

It's that time again, for Friend Makin' Monday!!  If any of you read Kenlie at www.alltheweigh.com, you know she's awesome and an inspiration. Every Monday she does FMM. Here's my version! If you feel so inclined, answer this weeks' questions and then link back up in the comments at Kenlie's blog!

Friend Makin’ Mondays

1. What is your favorite way to spend a Sunday afternoon?  In the summer, definitely a family swim. I love seeing my family happy, healthy, and active.  My 5 year old's belly laugh at his daddy's water antics is music to my ears.
2. What is your favorite color?  Purple.
3. Have you ever been to Europe?  Yes, twice.  Once I toured Italy with my Latin class in high scool.  After graduation, my mom took me to visit her college roomate who taught for the Army.  We did 6 countries in 18 days and it was amazing. Life changing.  I'd really love to go back with my husband.
4. Do you wear glasses or contacts?  Contacts.
5. How often do you brush your teeth?  Morning and night.
6. Share a guilty pleasure.  Survivor, Oprah Radio, and naps.
7. What are you most proud of accomplishing this week?  Speaking up for myself!  It's something I never do, but am working on.  Twice this week I took a deep breath and said what I wanted.  The first time, I got it.  The second, a friend said I was being moody.

Invisible

So, other than my obvious food addiction, I have to confess another one....are you ready?  Oprah radio.  I know, I know....I just can't get enough of it!  I really love the insight I get into myself and others from her Soul Series.  Recently, Oprah said something that really hit me hard.  "The worst thing you can do to someone is make them invisible."  She talked about how, at the heart of things, we all want to be seen, really seen, and validated.  Isn't that so true?

The question that brought me to, though, is that, if the worst thing you can do to someone is make them invisible, then why do I try to do that to myself every day?  There are a multitude of ways that I try to make myself invisible.  Like, every day I wear black.  Seriously, every day.  Even in the summer, when, in the armpit of Florida, it's often over 100.  Black.  It's WAY out of my comfort zone when I wear red shoes.  Not to say I don't love color, I do, but wearing color equals getting noticed.  I'm quiet and never speak my mind.  I never say "no" when asked to do something and I always go along with what others want.  Although in my occupation people are usually loud and confrontational, I'm not at all.  In fact, I probably have the one attorney job where you don't have to argue or even see anyone for days.  Thinking about it now, I never realized how much effort I put into not being seen.  The extra fat is probably just another layer I put between me and the world.

Why do I do that?  I suppose that is the million dollar question that I'm going to have to answer.  Part of it, I'm sure, is that I grew up in a house where you didn't want to anger anyone, for fear of what might happen.  I did a lot of walking on eggshells, and I suppose, in a way, I still am.  As sad as it is, when I do put myself out there and show someone who I really am, it never fails that I'm surprised that they like me.  To this day I'm shocked that my husband loves me.

The other day, I had a massage appointment and my therapist asked me if the temperature was ok.  Of course I replied that it was fine.  He looked at me and said, "Don't bullshit me, you're shivering.  This is a no bullshit zone."  I was floored.  "It's ok." is my standard response to any question about how I am, what I need, etc.  He told me not to be afraid to ask for what I want and to learn to "let some life in."  So, as scary as it is, that's what I'm going to do.  Ask for what I want. Put myself out there.  Allow myself to be seen.  This is so scary. 

This post was so hard to write.

Friend Makin' Monday!

So, in an effort to blog more about this journey and life itself, I'm going to take part in Friend Makin' Monday!! If any of you read Kenlie at www.alltheweigh.com, you know she's awesome and an inspiration. Every Monday she does FMM. Here's my version! If you feel so inclined, answer this weeks' questions and then link back up in the comments at Kenlie's blog!

Finish the Sentence I like…naps, snuggles, good books, and date nights with my husband.

I don’t like…negative people.

I am..in love with my best friend.

I love…my family, they are my biggest blessing.

I dream of…running the princess half marathon and KNOW that I will sob at the end out of pure joy.

I wonder…what the future holds.

I know…that life is beautiful and hard.

I went…to Wesleyan College, and it was one of the best decisions of my life.

I have...what it takes.

I think…that I am going to have to face some serious demons if I want to reach my goal weight.

I plan…to learn more about me.

I regret…how I've punished my body and used food as a drug.

I do…the best I can.

I drink…too much tea with splenda...but I am learning to like Dr. Oz's green tea weight loss drink.

I wish…for more time to do the things I love with the people that I love.

I am…worth it.

I am not…going to quit.

I need…to put myself first sometimes.

I hope…that I can keep growing and learning.

I want…to do things that scare me.

I sometimes…cry.

I always…try to be kind. I hope that when I am gone people will say, "The only hurt she caused was when she left us."

I can…do more than I think I can.

I cannot…even imagine all of life's possibilities.

I will…win.