Invisible

So, other than my obvious food addiction, I have to confess another one....are you ready?  Oprah radio.  I know, I know....I just can't get enough of it!  I really love the insight I get into myself and others from her Soul Series.  Recently, Oprah said something that really hit me hard.  "The worst thing you can do to someone is make them invisible."  She talked about how, at the heart of things, we all want to be seen, really seen, and validated.  Isn't that so true?

The question that brought me to, though, is that, if the worst thing you can do to someone is make them invisible, then why do I try to do that to myself every day?  There are a multitude of ways that I try to make myself invisible.  Like, every day I wear black.  Seriously, every day.  Even in the summer, when, in the armpit of Florida, it's often over 100.  Black.  It's WAY out of my comfort zone when I wear red shoes.  Not to say I don't love color, I do, but wearing color equals getting noticed.  I'm quiet and never speak my mind.  I never say "no" when asked to do something and I always go along with what others want.  Although in my occupation people are usually loud and confrontational, I'm not at all.  In fact, I probably have the one attorney job where you don't have to argue or even see anyone for days.  Thinking about it now, I never realized how much effort I put into not being seen.  The extra fat is probably just another layer I put between me and the world.

Why do I do that?  I suppose that is the million dollar question that I'm going to have to answer.  Part of it, I'm sure, is that I grew up in a house where you didn't want to anger anyone, for fear of what might happen.  I did a lot of walking on eggshells, and I suppose, in a way, I still am.  As sad as it is, when I do put myself out there and show someone who I really am, it never fails that I'm surprised that they like me.  To this day I'm shocked that my husband loves me.

The other day, I had a massage appointment and my therapist asked me if the temperature was ok.  Of course I replied that it was fine.  He looked at me and said, "Don't bullshit me, you're shivering.  This is a no bullshit zone."  I was floored.  "It's ok." is my standard response to any question about how I am, what I need, etc.  He told me not to be afraid to ask for what I want and to learn to "let some life in."  So, as scary as it is, that's what I'm going to do.  Ask for what I want. Put myself out there.  Allow myself to be seen.  This is so scary. 

This post was so hard to write.