Tuesday, July 17, 2012


So, other than my obvious food addiction, I have to confess another one....are you ready?  Oprah radio.  I know, I know....I just can't get enough of it!  I really love the insight I get into myself and others from her Soul Series.  Recently, Oprah said something that really hit me hard.  "The worst thing you can do to someone is make them invisible."  She talked about how, at the heart of things, we all want to be seen, really seen, and validated.  Isn't that so true?

The question that brought me to, though, is that, if the worst thing you can do to someone is make them invisible, then why do I try to do that to myself every day?  There are a multitude of ways that I try to make myself invisible.  Like, every day I wear black.  Seriously, every day.  Even in the summer, when, in the armpit of Florida, it's often over 100.  Black.  It's WAY out of my comfort zone when I wear red shoes.  Not to say I don't love color, I do, but wearing color equals getting noticed.  I'm quiet and never speak my mind.  I never say "no" when asked to do something and I always go along with what others want.  Although in my occupation people are usually loud and confrontational, I'm not at all.  In fact, I probably have the one attorney job where you don't have to argue or even see anyone for days.  Thinking about it now, I never realized how much effort I put into not being seen.  The extra fat is probably just another layer I put between me and the world.

Why do I do that?  I suppose that is the million dollar question that I'm going to have to answer.  Part of it, I'm sure, is that I grew up in a house where you didn't want to anger anyone, for fear of what might happen.  I did a lot of walking on eggshells, and I suppose, in a way, I still am.  As sad as it is, when I do put myself out there and show someone who I really am, it never fails that I'm surprised that they like me.  To this day I'm shocked that my husband loves me.

The other day, I had a massage appointment and my therapist asked me if the temperature was ok.  Of course I replied that it was fine.  He looked at me and said, "Don't bullshit me, you're shivering.  This is a no bullshit zone."  I was floored.  "It's ok." is my standard response to any question about how I am, what I need, etc.  He told me not to be afraid to ask for what I want and to learn to "let some life in."  So, as scary as it is, that's what I'm going to do.  Ask for what I want. Put myself out there.  Allow myself to be seen.  This is so scary. 

This post was so hard to write.


  1. Hey... Let's try to wear color once a week.. I wear black too when I go out. So slly to do this.. WTF is wrong with us ... Thanks for writing this. I think my new motto is going to be " This is a no BULLSHIT zone" LOL Love it!!!! And if I had access to freakin Oprah 24/7 Id be a mess and get nothing done girl!!! :)

  2. Oh this is good. I had forgotten I was just like that!! I am learning to speak up for myself and make myself noticed. I like it!! You will get there!!

    Stay focused!!

  3. I could not agree with you more on this post. After I had my daughter (20 years ago) and her Dad didn't want anything to do with us, I just ate. And ate. I got up to 210 pounds and I am only 5.2. In 1999, I was 31 years old, I decided that I had to lose the weight.

    I lost 70 pounds in just over a year and in the end I loved myself! I loved being out there in the real world and not hiding in my house eating frozen pizzas after my daughter went to bed.

    It was then that I met my now husband of almost 12 years - I couldn't let love in until I loved myself! The food issues are still there - I get lazy, I like to blame my insulin on my weight gain.

    I have to commit to working out and eating right, but I don't ever want to get back to 210.