Ugh.

If you look at my daily calorie count, you know yesterday got way off track. I have all sorts of excuses, but that's just it...they are excuses. I'm currently trying to ignore my stomach growling and pick myself up by the bootstraps....

Weigh Day

So, today is Tuesday, weigh day! I was seriously dreading it with the weekends....you know...issues. So, today, I took a deep breath, promised myself that I wouldn't let what the scale said dictate my mood today, and stepped on. To my surprise, I lost another 2.5 pounds!!! Yay!!! I'm SO excited. It's coming off slowly but surely!

Of course, what the scale said IS dictating my mood today because I'm happy about the loss!

My New Favs!

When trying past diets (and there have been many) I've typically strayed away from low fat salad dressings. Remember when they used to taste awful? Somewhere between slightly off milk and paint thinner? Yeah, light salad dressing were the pits. Surprisingly, that's a thing of the past. I have discovered Newman's Own "Lighten Up" line. I am completely and totally in love with the lighten up balsamic vinaigrette and even MORE in love with the low fat sesame ginger. They are both awesome, with awesome stats!

For the sesame ginger:

Serv. Size 2 Tbsp (30g) Calories 35Fat Cal. 15Total Fat 1.5g (3% DV)Sat. Fat 0g (0% DV)Trans Fat 0gCholest. 0mg (0% DV)Sodium 390mg (16% DV)Total Carb. 5g (2% DV)Dietary Fiber 0g (0% DV)Sugars 4gProtein 0gVitamin A (0% DV)Vitamin C (0% DV)Calcium (0% DV)Iron (2% DV)

and the vinaigrette:

Serv. Size 2 Tbsp (30g)Calories 45Fat Cal. 40Total Fat 4g (6% DV)Sat. Fat 0.5g (3% DV)Trans Fat 0gCholest. 0mg (0% DV)Sodium 390mg (16% DV)Total Carb. 2g (1% DV)Dietary Fiber 0g (0% DV)Sugars 1gProtein 0gVitamin A (0% DV)Vitamin C (0% DV)Calcium (0% DV)Iron (0% DV)

They are seriously tasty!

Also, I've blogged about my breakfast issues before, but I'm also really loving Clif bars right now. They keep you very full for a long time. My Clif bar and a bottle of water and I'm good to go :)

I'm currently munching on the chocolate chip peanut crunch bar right now and it's very tasty. Here are the stats:

Anyone else have any great finds?

Followers?

Ok, i'm losing followers, apparently! This is bad when you only have two. Any ideas how to get more followers?!

The weekend-a success or failure?

So, this weekend...as you can see from the calorie counts, it wasn't so hot foodwise. The weekend brought my husband's birthday, and I surprised him with a weekend getaway. It was fabulous! The problem? I always allow my out of town trips to turn into an excuse to eat terribly.

This weekend, as we departed, I vowed not to let that happen. The good news is that I made better food choices than I would have three weeks ago. The bad news, I blew my calorie budget and still allowed myself to make poor choices. We visited my husband's favorite beach side cafe and where I normally would have ordered fried grouper with hush puppies, french fries, and the restaurant's yummy fried Krabby Bites, this time I ordered blackened shrimp with a salad. We did get the hush puppies and crabby bites, though. So, my choices were better as opposed to good. At dinner on Saturday we went to a little Irish pub. I ordered a Reuben (not good) I only ate half (good!)

So, I'm declaring it not quite a failure but definitely not a success. I could have made better choices, nobody but me was putting that food in my mouth. However, I did make better choices than I would have in the past...that's good right?

NEVER google symptoms....

Seriously, don't do it. Don't do WebMD either. If you're anything like me, you'll determine that you have some seriously life threatening illness, start experiencing all the major symptoms, and have mild to moderate panic attacks......or maybe that's just me?

Last night I was hungry after dinner. I'm really trying to put the stop to after dinner eating, but I was hungry so I grabbed a plum. One bite and I spit it out and threw it away. It tasted awful! The taste was so bad, I was turned off of eating, so I drank a glass of water and went to bed. This morning, I grabbed my KIND bar and took a bite. YUCK! I seriously thought it had gone bad. Tossed that one and grabbed a fiber one yogurt. Again, I thought it was rancid. (At this point, any rational human would say, it's not the food...it's you...but not me!) Next, I took a bite of fiber plus applesauce, normally a favorite. It tasted bad too. Then it hit me.....

For the rest of the day I've had a taste in my mouth that can only be described as hairspray. It's seriously disgusting. It's really bad during and after eating. So, I googled it. Bad move. I spent a lot of the morning thinking it was probably a brain tumor, diabetes, or some serious liver issue. Then I came across an interesting set of articles. Apparently, this can happen a day or so after eating some pine nuts. Seriously? Who knew?

Monday I had a grilled shrimp salad with pine nuts. It was yummy, I wanted another one. Or so I thought, anyway. Now, I feel like I just guzzled a bottle of aquanet. Bad news is, by most accounts it can last up to 10 days! Ew!

Good news...it's a good diet tool......Hey, maybe I can market this....:)

In all seriousness, though, if it doesn't go away soon, I may have to make a call to the dreaded doctor.

The Good, The Bad, The Ugly, and an NSV.

The Good:

I lost another 2lbs! I was really hoping for more, but I'll take two. :) Especially since the weekend was filled with celebrations. Also, I stayed within my calorie limit yesterday, which is good considering:

The Bad:

My husband and I came across a recipe on TV one night that he asked me to try. It's a shrimp pasta dish, and it's DELICIOUS. We've had it probably three or four times. It's really good, very light, and not bad calorie-wise if you eat the right amount. (Ha! That's true for everything, I suppose.) However, pasta is always dangerous for me. I could eat WAY more than the recommended serving. We had it for dinner last night, and I DID eat way more than I should have. My dinner was over 800 calories yesterday. :( Still within my limit, but I was way out of control.

The Ugly:

Exercise has not made it back into my routine yet. Or, I should say, I have not made exercise a priority. If only THINKING about it burned calories, I'd be skinny as a rail. Thinking about it is not my problem, it's the actual movement that's the issue. Haha. Lately, my excuse has been that it's too cold.** That's just an excuse, though. I've got to get moving.

NSV (or, non-scale victory):

Most days I dress business casual for work. Today, I had to wear a suit. I wore this suit a month ago and it was not comfortable. You know...the whole sit down, unbutton the jacket, and hope your girl parts don't burst out? Yeah, that was me. Today, though, it's loose! I wouldn't have ever guessed 8lbs would make a difference, but it did. Yay!

**Full disclosure: I live in the armpit of Florida. The high today is in the 50s.

A day with family.

Yesterday I spent most of the day with my kids, mom, and grandparents. We really had such a nice time. It's been awhile since we spent any length of time with them, and we all needed some quality time together. However, as I've said before, a lot of my food issues, I think, come from the way my family viewed food. I realized this weekend that I'm MUCH more likely to eat mindlessly or at least make unwise calorie choices when around my family. It's like I walk into my mom and grandparents' home and I think I need to immediately eat. What's with that?

I thought I'd share a conversation that I had with my grandmother this weekend. Keep in mind, it wasn't all at once, this was over a 30 minute period. It really highlights the food issues:

Grandma: Eat something! I have rolls, ham, corn, beans. Eat!

Me: No thanks, I JUST ate lunch. I'm full and I'm also saving calories for my sushi night out.

Grandma: Just a little bit? How about a roll and some ham?

Me: No thanks. I'm good.

Grandma: Fix a plate! Just a little bit. It's good for you.

Me: Nope, really. I'm good.

Grandma: I also have chili, chop suey, and bologna.

Me: I'm really not hungry.

Grandma:I'm sorry I don't have anything you like to eat. I wish you would eat something.

Me: Ok, I'll eat a piece of ham.

See. I gave in. Again. I was guilted into eating. How sick is that? Now, granted, I had the calories, but that wasn't the point. The point was, I wasn't hungry, I didn't WANT anything. But I ate.

This weekend was chocked full of poor choices like that. Notice my calorie intake was high. Really high. Still within my range, but high. Saturday night was my birthday. I saved up a lot of calories to go eat sushi with the girls and go to the new nail bar (it's a spa and a bar, what more could you want?) I really had to guesstimate my calories, I couldn't find nutritional information for some things. I would not be surprised at all if I really was over my limit, but they were my best guesses.

Yesterday was better, my calories were lower, but my choices weren't great. I feel myself slipping. Gotta get back into it! I'm considering posting my menus for a few days for accountability. Here's today's planned menu:

B: Cliff bar, water
L: Grilled shrimp salad w/ balsamic vinaigrette
D: Shrimp chili pasta w/ tomatoes
S: (if needed) Jello SF chocolate mousse.

My projected caloric intake today is around 1550, give or take a few.

Breakfast

Previously, I mentioned I have an issue with not eating breakfast. I know that this is something that I have to change. Often times, I'm trying to get my two boys motivated and out the door to preschool and trying to get to work on time. Breakfast on the run is really a must-do some days.

I've discovered Kind bars. They are so good! They range (at least the ones I've tried) between 170-210 calories per bar. When I eat one with a bottle of water for breakfast, I'm actually full until lunch. It's great! The best part? They have identifiable ingredients, not weird chemicals. They are yummy. My favorite is the fruit and nut delight.

Just thought I'd share, I'm always looking for yummy, healthy snacks. Do you know any?

How I got here, and where am I going?

How did I get here? How did I wake up at this weight, in this body? Well, I suppose that's an easy answer. I ate too much, too much of the wrong things. The more interesting and complex question is WHY, what drove me to the overeating? This is a question I have to get to the root of, I truly believe I won't be able to make a successful lifestyle change without discovering the driving force behind my behavior.

On some level, I know the answer, or at least part of it. In my house, food was love. If you loved something, you fed it. In turn, if someone you loved was trying to feed you, you ate what they were offering. Growing up in that environment has created a HUGE emotional connection to food. I know that some people don't understand that, but when you grow up equating food with love, it can be comfort. I'm learning not to look at food as comfort but as fuel. Slowly. Certainly in stressful or emotional times it's much harder, but I'm learning. I'm also working on discovering other driving forces behind my behavior.

Yesterday my husband surprised me with a wonderful candlelit dinner to celebrate my birthday. It was wonderful, romantic, and truly touching. It was also calorie-dense. I was pretty resigned that I'd go over my calorie limit, but tried to make the best choices possible and only eat small portions of the things that I knew were not smart calorie choices. The result? I pushed the top end of my calorie range, but I stayed in it! Yay!!! I enjoyed a wonderful meal with my husband, did not feel deprived, but stayed in control. This is SUCH a victory for me!

Where am I going?? I promised to set some concrete goals, so here they are, or at least some of them:

1. Complete the couch to 5k running program.
2. Run a full 5k.
3. Short term weight loss goal: Lose 30lbs.

A friend at work and I are considering doing the Disney Expedition Everest 5k challenge. It looks like so much fun!! If I'm going to do it, though, I HAVE to get my butt in gear with the exercise.

Ok, I've started to ramble, so I'm wrapping this one up. Happy weight loss everyone!

It's amazing!

It really is amazing, but the whole "eat less" idea really works. For so long I've resisted counting calories. I'm not even sure why I resisted it. It's now 11 days into my new journey. I've hit my calorie goal every single day. Some days I've been closer to the lower end of the range, and a couple of days I've come mighty close to 1800. I've eaten more veggies and lean protien and less junk. That said, I've also had pizza, pasta, and even a frosted sugar cookie. (eeeehhh gads!)

As of this morning, I'm down 8.5 pounds since I started. When I put my jeans on this morning for casual Friday, they were just a tad looser. It works! It's amazing! That said, I do know this weekend will be a struggle. It's my birthday and there are several get togethers planned. I'm going to have to watch my calorie budget closely and make wise choices.

There are a few trends I've noticed that are swaying me back into some very bad habits. For instance, I've taken to not eating breakfast to save calories. The problem is, by lunch I'm STARVING and I eat more than I normally would. That has to stop! Another thing I've been doing, and I have to put this out there to the world, is that i've been taking my morning vitamin on an empty stomach. They make me feel queasy and that leads to not eating for awhile. In my head I KNOW that this is not a good move. I need to eat to fuel my body and to feel good. I'm working on this one.

Today, I'm very moved by this post. Her honesty and clarity have inspired me to really dig deep into how I got here. Look for a post about that soon!

A long time coming

This blog has been a long time coming. I have started and restarted diets more times than I'd care to count, lost and regained many more pounds than I actually weigh, and given up every food group there is at one point. Low carb, no carb, low fat, the grapefruit diet, slim fast, weight watchers....you name the diet, I've probably tried it.

Just a week ago, I "restarted" again. This time, there's no fad diet, no miracle cure, no weird food, no forbidden food, just a calorie goal. The idea is, I'm going to eat between 1400-1800 calories a day. This seems like a huge range, and I may reduce it at some point. Right now, I'm trying to fine tune my eating habits, make better choices, and not be TOO hard on myself. No food is off limits, the calories just have to hit that limit. Of course, I've tried this one before, but this time feels different, this time I'm going to do it. It's already been a week! Even as I type that I can hear my inner voice saying, "it feels different RIGHT NOW. That will change...you won't do it, you'll be fat forever." Gosh, I hate that inner voice! My "voice" says things to me that I'd never say to another soul, ugly things, hateful things. I have to quiet that voice.

There are so many inspiring weight loss stories out there. So many wonderful people who have successfully changed their lives for the better. People that are healthier, happier, and more fit. Just a few of these people that have inspired and are continuing to inspire me are Sean, Chubby Chick, one mom, the token fat girl, Rachel, and Monica. They've inspired me to try one more time, and to blog about it along the way. Who knows, I may never have any readers, but if I do, I hope they keep me accountable.

Goodness, I have a lot to "say" about this journey, the motivations, the obstacles, the hopes. It's really about so much more than weight loss. It's about learning to love myself, forgiving my mistakes, becoming healthy, and daring to set big goals. For now I think I'll just leave you with my "wish list" of what I hope I gain during this endeavor.

1. Weight loss- Ideally, I'd like to lose 100lbs. However, in reality, I'd just like a trimmer, healthier body.

2. Better health. I'm 32, and i'm on blood pressure medicine. A LOT of it.

3. Increased athleticism. I'd really like to start jogging again. I'd LOVE to run a whole 5k. RUN the whole 5k. Ok...really, I'd love to run a half marathon one day. Wow, that's laughable right now...but I'm putting it out there.

4. Learning to love myself. I'm really good about worrying about everyone else but me. It's time that I learn to put myself first sometimes, and learn that my needs are as important as other people's.

So, those are the general goals for now. I am going to sit down and really work on some concrete reachable goals and not just abstract "wishes". Here I go again!