Whirlwind

Life. It's been a whirlwind lately. It feels like absolutely everything is out of control. My oldest started Kindergarten and, although he loves it, there are growing pains. My youngest is having a very tough time that his brother is not at preschool with him. There have been a lot of tears. My husband is out of town, so a lot of this i've dealt with on my own.

Eating has not been perfect, still. One of the few things I can control and I'm NOT controlling it. Now, I'm not bingeing and eating everything in sight, but, I'm doing a lot of mindless eating. Tracking is a thing of the past, and I have not moved at all in months now, probably. My emotions are everywhere, and anxiety is running high. The good news is, the husband gets home tonight and I can carve out a little more me time. Running always makes me happier and I feel more in control, so I see a run in my future.

Right now this craziness is so overwhelming. There are so many things that I need to do that I'm just not doing anything. I've just plopped myself down in the middle of a storm and I'm watching it all go by.

So, it's time to set out some goals for the week: track every bite, starting today; run three times; set out some individual time with each child; go on a date with hubby. All of these things will make me feel better, and will be better for my family.

Just like that little engine....

I'm starting to regain some control! Yesterday was not perfect, it was bunco night and I let bunco "snacks" be dinner (and probably too much dinner at that), but my food choices were better. Slowly I'm starting to feel just like the little blue engine. I think I can do this, I think I can do this! I think I can, I think I can!

Thank you, sweet blog friends, for the comments and emails about my last post. It's amazing to me how kind and supportive people that I've never "met" can be. Your comments and emails were so very comforting! It helps to know that people understand what it's like to have such a disasterous relationship with food. All of your posts, your successes and your setbacks, inspire me!

We are all chugging away together on this weight loss journey and pretty soon we'll be saying, "I thought I could, I thought I could, I thought I could!"

In an out of control spiral

For the first time since I started this journey on February 2, 2009, I find myself in an out of control spiral, eating with reckless abandon. There is a vicious cycle that I've once again found myself in where I'm out of control, feel guilty, eat more, feel guilty, eat more, etc. I have to break the cycle again.

I really don't have much more to say than that, just wanted to be honest and get it out there.

Yumm....McChemicals!

So, in my search to find the end of the internet this morning, I came across this article on chicken nuggets. This is so gross, we feed these things to our children and sometimes ourselves! My kids LOVE McDonald's, Wendy's...really any place that they can get chicken nuggets. Recently I've taken a good hard look at what they eat, and I'm not pleased. I have to make a transition to offering better choices for my family, not just for me. It's horrifying to think what goes into the processed junk that my family loves. We're slowly transitioning into better choices. Grilled chicken instead of fried, whole wheat pasta instead of white, more veggies and fruits, less processed food. It's a journey, and we're going to make it.

The problem i'm facing is that my kids are SO PICKY. Really, my five year old is especially picky. There are few things he'll eat. I'm at a loss right now of what to send him for lunch because i'm running out of options. He doesn't like sandwiches, won't eat veggies and dip, doesn't like hummus. Really, he would live on turkey dogs, mac and cheese, and nuggets if I'd let him, which I won't.

So, bloggie buddies, any suggestions for good, healthy options for kids?

Derailed, but hopping back on track!

So, it's been awhile since I've posted anything meaningful, it's also been awhile since I've been on track.....

The good news is, yesterday was good and today is going well, things are looking up! Being off track diet and health wise is so tough. It makes me feel awful about myself but I have the hardest time picking myself up and moving forward. I think I'm finally back on track, though! Yay!

One of the most important things to me when I have these de-railed days (weeks...etc) is to figure out what pushed me off track and to look for those sorts of diversions in the future so I can plan ahead. Some of them are preventable altogether, and others I just have to have a game plan so that, when they pop up in my way, I can better deal with them.

There are a few things that I can put my finger on as causes for the latest derailment. First, although it seems too ridiculous to even type, I know that I really felt defeated when I "gained" after being taken off the diuretic for my blood pressure. My brain knew that this was a good thing, it meant I was healthier and doing better with less weight. It really took an emotional toll on me, though, to see the "gain" of water weight. That was the beginning of the downfall. Then, vacation. Ohhh, I'm so bad on vacations. I seem to lose all sense of control and come back heavier than I left. DH and I ate some really good food on our last vacation. The good news is, I was more in control than I usually am, the bad news is, I KNOW there were some moments where I lost control food-wise. (Georgetown cupcakes are amazing...just saying). I maintained, but didn't gain. In a way, that's a victory.

One of the biggest things that I think had led to my stumbling is that I'm having a tough time dealing with my oldest going to Kindergarten. I know, that seems so silly, doesn't it? He's growing up, becoming more independent, and about to embark on one of life's great adventures. As parents, our goal is to raise smart, independent, and confident children and send them off into the world. Kindergarten is part of that, in many ways the first step, and I know that. I know it's a good thing, but my heart breaks that my baby is old enough for this. While school brings so many wonderful things, I know there will also be disappointments and heartbreak, there always is.

Every instinct I have says to protect him and keep him close, but I have to let him grow up. It's hard. I can't help feeling a little sad. Also, my youngest is having a tough time knowing that his brother won't be with him at preschool anymore and is having adjustment issues there. It's so hard to see my babies unhappy. One of the best things that I can do for them, however, is to remain upbeat and positive about this next step in our lives, so I do. This means that I'm burying my emotions, though, and if there's one thing I'm good at, it's emotional eating.

Now, I just have to learn from these little stumbles and move forward, and I will. While I can't let the scale dictate my emotions, like I did with my water weight gain, I also know that I can't abandon the scale. Without it, I'm so much less accountable and I get a little too free with my eating. So, I am going to try weighing once a week. Yes...once a week. We'll see if my scale addiction can be broken! In terms of vacation, well....we don't have one coming for awhile, but, this one was better food-wise, far from perfect, but better. I'll have to plan for the next trip, plan my meals better and allow for some "treats" but not to go overboard. I also need to plan to exercise!

Emotional eating is, and probably always will be my biggest stumbling block on the journey to better health. I don't have any easy answers here, but I have had some success when I stop and ask myself WHY i'm eating something. If I can't identify true hunger, I put it down and walk away. This doesn't always work. In fact, twice lately I KNEW I wasn't hungry and KNEW that I was eating to fill a void or feel happier, but I did it anyway. At least I identified the problem...right? Baby steps!


So, I'm back. I promise to post more, read more blogs, comment more! I've missed my blogging buddies.

Ugh....

Just Ugh. I can't seem to make myself get back on track and the scale this morning was not at all nice to me. I'm working to get it together. Please don't give up on me :)

Miss me?

This is a quickie post. I am BACK from vacation. We had such a good time, took in lots of sites, saw some friends and family, and generally enjoyed each other's company. DH and I needed this time together.

The down side. I found some pounds. Not many, but some. Blech. Now, I have to get serious. I realize I've been saying this for awhile now, but seriously, It's time...now...seriously.

I promise more posts soon!!