Tuesday, April 27, 2010

It's ok.

Thanks for your kind words on my last post. I was really feeling down and your comments meant the world to me. Posting such a downer post is really conflicting for me. On one hand, I want to use this blog to explore my weight and food issues, to get to the bottom of this problem once and for all. On the other hand, I don't want to post things that make you all roll your eyes and think, "here she goes again."

Part of what brings on days like yesterday is that I start to look ahead at where I want to be. I want to be eating whole foods, exercising daily, running 3 miles at a time, thinner, healthier. I want to not have to obsess over food choices and be able to enjoy social gatherings without wondering if I'm going to blow it. Perfection, that's what I want. The thing is, I'll never *be* perfect, except in my imperfection.

Trying to be perfect is part of my cycle of dieting. So many times I've started new plans, and boy were they ever strict. No carbs, low fat, only this food, only that food. These plans were horrid and inflexible and not at all in tune with my daily life. When life would go haywire and I'd go "off plan." Then, if I was already off plan, I'd think that I'd blown it, so I'd convince myself that I could eat what ever I wanted, which would lead to making it impossible to get back ON plan. Then I'd gain all the weight I lost back, usually plus some, and be more miserable than I was in the first place. Miserable because I had not been perfect.

Part of this journey for me is learning that it's ok to be imperfect. Flexibility and making sure that nothing is "off limits" is helping me to avoid the feeling that I've "blown" it. If I don't HAVE to be perfect, making a less than wise food choice doesn't mean that I've failed or that I'm doomed. All it means is that I have to make up for those poor choices with better choices. I can do that.

What I want remains the same, but I realize that my choices and my habits are going to have to slowly change. It's a process, a long one, but that's ok. Here are some other things that are ok:

-It's ok that I eat frozen meals for lunch some times. These are better choices than a burger and fries.

-It's ok that I don't burn 1000 calories a day exercising. It's not all or nothing.

-It's ok that I eat processed foods in general. I can work toward incorporating more whole foods slowly, so that it's a welcomed change for myself and my family.

-It's ok that I still have to shop in the "wide" section (this is a joke in my family, as I really used to think that the "W" meant wide instead of woman). I'll make it to the other side of the store again one day.

-It's ok that I drink more than just water. I'm working toward upping the water and decreasing the diet cokes.

-It's ok that sometimes I have artificial sweetener (splenda). I eat MUCH less of it now than I used to, and I'll slowly be able to eliminate it.

Here are some things that are NOT ok:

-It's NOT ok to put myself last all the time.

-It's NOT ok to fail to exercise at all.

-It's NOT ok to beat myself up.

-It's NOT ok "speak" nasty things to myself, I certainly wouldn't say horrible things to other people.

Thanks again, blog buddies!

1 comment:

  1. :) You want good things--and that is a good thing. :D

    I'm glad you've decided that progress in getting those good things takes a little patience... and perserverance. Hmmm... Where have I heard those words strung together before? Oh. Wait. I remember. lol.

    Seriously, I know exactly what you mean about wanting it all now, about getting in a funk about where you really are now, and then hesitating in letting it all hang out on your blog. I am seriously there. Often.

    But so are most honest, weight-loss trying, bloggers. That is what this journey is about. It's so emotional and up and down. Those sites that are perpetually cheery are often also inherently dishonest. (I believe they say they are CHOOSING TO BE POSITIVE.)

    Living in denial isn't the best environment for change. Of course, neither is living in perpetual doom and gloom. Truth strikes a balance--for nothing is ever truly all good or all bad.

    Your last post was perfect. It was an honest expression of being in a difficult place, modulated a bit for public consumption, but nonetheless real. It's a place we've all been and will likely revisit--as we travel this Highway to Thin.

    I am convinced we will arrive at our destination not only thinner--but also stronger, more mature and truly free. :D