Tuesday, March 16, 2010

I'm tired.

No, not the sleepy kind of tired. Well, actually, yes, I *am* that kind of tired, but what I really am is mentally exhausted and very frustrated. I feel like I'm working hard at losing weight and seeing no results. I know I've had slip ups lately, but even my worst slip up is a million times better than I WAS eating. I mean, seriously, my worst calorie day this month has been in the 1900s, that was a fabulous day before.

The worst part of it all is that it seems like this weight loss journey is the focus of my thoughts all the time. It really is mentally exhausting to be constantly thinking/worrying/obsessing over food choices, calorie limits, and the number on the scale. I'm frustrated because, while I know this is never going to be easy, is it ever going to get any easier? Will it always such a struggle? Am I always going to be hungry? I am always hungry!

Part of this frustration comes from the scale this morning (UP 0.5lbs!) but this has been going on for awhile. The results or lack thereof are getting to me. Perhaps I need to copy Lisa and break up with my scale. The problem is, when I've done that in the past I've gained because without seeing the results of slip ups, I tend to have more. I don't know. I feel lost, tired, and frustrated.

You know what? I also feel embarrassed. I'm embarrassed that my addiction is plain for the world to see. Take one look at me and it's obvious that food is my issue. That's not true with many other addictions. On the outside those with substance abuse aren't obvious, but with food addiction it's plain as day, and I'm embarrassed.

Last night I went for a run and with the time change it was much lighter than it had been when I normally set off to pound the pavement. I found myself wanting to turn back a lot and feeling embarrassed when I passed other exercisers. My thoughts were consumed by what they must be thinking by this extremely red-faced, sweaty, fat girl trying to run. The good news is, I didn't turn back, but it was not an enjoyable experience.

Wow, after a reread of this post I realize how whiny I sound and how much I need to get it together. Sorry to be a debbie downer.


  1. Hey...
    I wish you were not so hard on yourself.. Your doing the best you can right now so go easy on your self..

    As far as running in the day light relax, know one is looking at you thinking dreadful things.

    There probably saying look at her go. Good for her, wish I was doing something good for my self...

    You need to try to turn the internal negative talk in your head off and only allow positive stuff.

    Sometimes we say the most crappy stuff to ourselves that we would never say to our worst enemies.. ARGGGGGG Im one for doing that to myself, and im sick of it...

    Lets try to be good to ourselves....From now on...
    You rock....

  2. Aww, thanks :) That was really very sweet and exactly what I needed to read.

  3. I hate to admit that I have these same internal dialogues (can you say dialogues when you're talking to yourself?) Anyhow, I think these stubborn pounds just have a mind of their own and a schedule of their own. I've been stalled out for a while, and I agree it's frustrating. It's great you're out there exercising--that will definitely push you off the plateau! Give yourself a hug!

  4. I here ya!! It is more mentally exhausting than physically exhausting. Sometimes I would like to trade brains with my skinny friend who doesn't obsess about food, eats what she wants, and stays THIN!!!! It's a constant battle. Some days are easier, but I feel like I've been "thinking" about this FOREVER!! Hang in there girl...

  5. Thanks everyone, you all made me smile :) It's time to take a deep breath, forgive myself a little, and keep chugging.